NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Hunter Biden, influence-peddling crack smoker and son of the current president (along with being “the smartest guy” Joe knows, by Joe’s own admission), has been lying low the last few weeks, staying out of the media spotlight as his dad and the Democrats desperately try to counter the multi-faceted, very negative narrative with which they are contending thanks to the steep decline America has taken in recent years.
But it turns out, thanks to some internet sleuths tracking his jet, that Hunter wasn’t just lying low by playing Monopoly in the White House basement with Slow Joe or smoking crack in the bathroom of one of the Biden family’s numerous mansions.
Rather, he had been exiled to Ecuador, a nation that has no extradition treaty with the US, by administration officials that refused to let Biden preemptively pardon his son and expend whatever remaining goodwill and political capital he has left on getting his son out of legal trouble for selling America down the river abroad and lighting up a crack pipe at home.
But, fortunately for the mosquito- and sunburn-averse son of the president, he has been allowed to return from Ecuador by administration officials now that it is quite obvious that the FBI couldn’t care less about his crimes and is much more interested in using the resources at its disposal to persecute and prosecute former President Donald Trump, something made obvious to them by the recent FBI raid on Trump’s Mar-a-Lago residence.
And so Hunter was allowed to return to the US, though only on the condition that someone travel with him at all times to ensure that he does not take any more pictures of himself smoking crack (apparently, just asking him not to smoke crack was far too big of an “ask” for the administration, with Joe defending his son’s activities as “showing his commitment to diversity).
Immediately upon returning to DC, Hunter went on a crack bender, going so far as to disappear from the White House and smoke crack in front of the FBI’s Hoover Building with people he knew to be Chinese Ministry of State Security personnel, as he had sold them his old iPhone during a previous trip to China. They then used that phone to capture a massive amount of data regarding US politicians and were able to breach several government firewalls using the information on it.
However, Hunter was able to get out of the situation without taking pictures of himself smoking crack in broad daylight in the District of Columbia.
Even Hunter could be heard remarking, however, that it was weird the FBI was after Trump, who “hadn’t done anything,” but didn’t seem to care about him and “all that sketchy stuff” that he “did over in China, Russia, and Ukraine for the Big Guy’s checking account.”