NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Taking a major, much-derided step to try and keep Americans in high spirits on July 4th despite the inflation crisis, gas price crisis, and culture war getting seemingly hotter every day, Team Biden has decided to release a report about how Americans can still have a fun July 4th despite the additional costs imposed by the inflation crisis.
In the report, after five paragraphs spent discussing the racism of the Founding Fathers and why they know that not everyone will be “comfortable celebrating the somewhat racist holiday of Independence Day, as not everyone was free when it was first celebrated”, Team Biden offered some “helpful hints” about how to avoid inflation, saying:
“Fortunately, Americans were able to save sixteen cents on average last Fourth of July. Whether that was the two cents saved on a bag of potato chips (Biden prefers sour cream and onion flavored Baked Lays!), the seven and a half cents saved on a pack of twelve Hebrew National hotdogs (he supports Israel and kosher eating too!), or the half a cent saved on a savory gallon of vanilla ice cream (President Biden can eat a whole tub if Dr. Jill doesn’t stop him), those large savings can be used to cover increased costs due to the Putin price hike this year!
“And if that’s not enough, don’t be afraid to make substitutions! While hotdogs and hamburgers are a classic, Cambell’s chicken noodle soup is always delicious, for example. And though everyone loves potato chips, fries, or maybe even onion rings, sometimes a baked or pan-fried potato can be just as good, and much healthier! Now who could say no to that?!
“We also recognize that Putin’s evil war of aggression means gas is an itsy bitsy tad more expensive than you might be used to. So if you have trouble travelling to see family, remember that Zoom is always an option and, from a Covid-19 perspective, a much safer way of spending time with family and friends!
The message then ended by saying:
“Happy Fourth of July to those of you who celebrate the racist holiday!”
The message was widely mocked on social media, with commenters joking that those sixteen cent savings had been blown away by their drivinghalf a mile to the grocery store, or that they had made the unfortunate decision of “investing” those “massive” savings in Bitcoin and now only had seven cents, which wouldn’t even cover the can of soup that Biden recommended as a replacement at cookouts.
Responding to the criticism, Biden, echoing Marie-Antoinette, asked why struggling Americans couldn’t “just have their sons, daughters, or gender non-binary children travel to China and collects cash and no-limit credit cards from Red Chinese officials that wanted favors from politician family members.” His advisors had to quickly usher him off the stage after that comment, though Tucker Carlson was quick to capitalize on it.