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White House Proud to Announce Hunter Biden Involved in Columbian Cocaine Negotiations

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    The Biden White House recently announced the successful conclusion of negotiations over joint policy matters between the United States and Columbia, saying:

    President Joseph R. Biden, Jr. of the United States and President Gustavo Petro Urrego of the Republic of Colombia met today to advance bilateral cooperation on issues of mutual interest, including climate change, clean energy transition, migration, drug trafficking, and peace. We reaffirmed the strategic importance of the U.S.-Colombia partnership based on principles of friendship, mutual respect, cultural ties, and a shared commitment to democracy and human rights.
    President Biden and President Petro committed to work together to address the challenges of our countries and the region, protect and improve the lives of our citizens, and uphold democratic principles.

    The statement went on, after rambling about climate change and the like for a bit, to get to drug policy. And that was, not surprisingly, very soft. Instead of pledging to dramatically fight against the drug smuggling networks, the statement instead pledged engagement building communities and the like, saying:

    President Biden and President Petro committed to a holistic approach to address the harmful impacts of drug use and drug trafficking on both our peoples’ health, safety, the environment, the economy, rule of law, and the strength and transparency of democratic institutions. Under the principle of shared responsibility, we will redouble our efforts in terms of demand reduction through science-based prevention, harm reduction, treatment, and recovery support. Likewise, the leaders instructed their teams to intensify and expand bilateral cooperation in intelligence and interdiction to dismantle the networks, pursue the true owners and enablers of drug trafficking in their jurisdictions, and counter illicit finance.
    President Biden expressed the willingness and commitment of the United States to cooperate with Colombia’s efforts to transform coca-growing territories, to overcome the conditions of vulnerability of rural, Indigenous, and Afro-Colombian communities, allowing for their true insertion in the sustainable development of the country and enhancing their fundamental role in caring for the environment and biodiversity.

    What was going on there? Well, it turned out that Hunter Biden was involved in the negotiations and he wanted to do his part to protect his crack cocaine supply. So he got deeply involved in determining exactly what the US government would be doing. And, so, he used that power to make sure that, no matter what the US government does, it will not be taking any steps to completely shut off coke production in Columbia. Hence the mumblings about “vulnerability,” “the environment,” and the like.

    The Biden White House, for its part, was quick to support Hunter in “taking action to protect vulnerable populations in the global south,” posting a video of him meeting with Columbian police and “former” cocaine producers in Columbia, saying that he “brought his unique lived experience” to the negotiation table and “used it to craft humane and helpful policies south of the border.”

    A Secret Service insider told us that the drug cartels bribed Hunter with seven pounds of pure cocaine to ensure the US wouldn’t actually fight against them or pressure the Columbian government to do so.

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