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WHOOPS: CNN Realizes It Accidentally Criticized Biden, Woke Employees Led By Brian Stelter Go on Strike

    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Please treat it as such.

    CNN recently made major news when, for the first time in years, it reported on news that wasn’t complimentary of Democrats.

    That’s right, Brian Stelter’s network took the wild step of slightly criticizing Biden for lying on the Internet, saying that he had lied about the Covid jab and sharing the truth about it and Trump.

    Well, though Jeff Zucker is gone, much of the CNN old guard is still there and it was far from happy with the idea that something the network reported could possibly be bad for the Democrats.

    So, led by the current “CNN Triumvirate” (Brian Stelter, Don Lemon, and a random transgender lighting lady there for diversity reasons), a gaggle of CNN employees walked out into the building’s food court and demanded that CNN retract the fact-check, claiming that they wouldn’t go back to work until the article was taken down and Jake Tapper apologized.

    Much to their credit, the new CNN execs refused to back down to the woke employees, telling them to get back to work and that the article was getting more traffic than 99% of what CNN puts up, so it would stay up.

    Things went from bad to worse at that point, with Stelter leading a raiding party into the food court’s kitchens, stealing millions of calories’ worth of fried food and high-fructose corn syrup-filled treats.

    Gorging himself without concern for the operation, Stelter lost control of his troops, who ran wild and terrorized the non-striking staff in the name of “diversity, equity, inclusion, and ‘our democracy'”.

    At that point, Jake Tapper, who had been red-pilled by the Biden Twitter lie, put on his reflective sunglasses, grabbed an Atlanta Braves-themed baseball bat, and declared himself the reactionary generalissimo of the CNN HQ, trying to keep control of the upper floors and restore order in the food courts.

    Quickly taking charge, he gathered volunteers from the bored, non-striking staffers, all of whom were impressed by the cigar he was now smoking and the semi-military style jacket he was wearing, to “take out the trash from the food court.”

    That sparked a massive brawl and, at one point, a forklift had to be brought in to lift up and carry out the greatly bloated Brian Stelter.

    As of the time of this article, the other CNN triumvirate leaders had not been captured by Generalissimo Tapper and the “Soldiers of Apollo’s Sun”, but Tapper and his cronies were prowling the halls looking for them.

    The Discovery Executives who bought CNN saw this as an excellent time to write it off as a complete loss, and so have refused to intervene even as Tapper started ranting on air in hours-long monologues, fully getting into the reactionary dictator character that was sparked by his asking Fauci why Biden lied on Twitter.

    We will keep you updated on the civil war taking place within CNN HQ as more floors are captured by the Triumvirate or Tapper.

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