Note: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Biden has been waging holy war on “bank fees” for most of his presidency, bizarrely arguing that minor fees charged by banks in line with their operating agreements with customers is the best use of his time as president.
Such is what he spoke about during a recent speech, though during it he let slip the real reason for his decision to go all out to get banks to stop charging fees for certain things: he thinks it will help him buy votes. Beginning his short speech on the subject, Biden said:
When companies sneak hidden junk fees into families’ bills, it can take hundreds of dollars a month out of their pockets and make it harder to make ends meet. That might not matter to the wealthy, but it’s real money to hardworking families—and it’s just plain wrong. This is about the companies that rip off hardworking Americans simply because they can.
That’s why today, my Administration took new actions to tackle these hidden fees by proposing a rule that would end excessive overdraft fees. For too long, some banks have charged exorbitant overdraft fees—sometimes $30 or more—that often hit the most vulnerable Americans the hardest, all while banks pad their bottom lines. Banks call it a service—I call it exploitation. Today’s proposal would cut the average overdraft fee by more than half, saving the typical American family that pays these fees $150 a year. That would add up to save families $3.5 billion every year. Unfortunately, some Republicans in Congress continue to defend these exploitative fees.
This is just one part of my Administration’s broader plan to lower costs for hardworking families. We’re going to continue doing everything in our power to bring down costs and grow our economy from the middle out and bottom up, while standing up to extreme Republican attempts to provide more giveaways to the wealthy and big corporations and undermine competition.
Continuing, he defended his use of time as president on the issue, saying, “Though there are numerous crises and hot spots around the world right now, what matters most to me is the American voter…errr, American citizen…well and lawful…and unlawful, I guess, residents. Well, you know what I mean. All that jazz. Those folks. And heck, many of em can’t afford fees! So I care about that and want to stop it.”
“Well, will it be enough to get you to…will this buy your vote? Because if not, I’m barking up the wrong tree and we can just, ummm, well, we can umm, well I’ll focus on something else if this isn’t an issue the American people care about all that much. Because I care about doing things that help you. Nt because it would buy your vote. That was a fake line that must have been put there by those MAGA extremists and Russians! I’ll-”
Then, cutting him off as he started yelling, Dr. Jill walked on stage and led Biden off by his arm, preventing him from making a further fool of himself.