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Woke Church Decides to Ignore “That Whole Bible Thing” to Appease Woke Congregants

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    Note: This article may contain commentary or the author's opinion.

    NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.

    Things got weird at the Kings Ridge Episcopal Church on Sunday when the congregation decided to, in the name of “Christian charity” and “inclusiveness” toss out “that whole Bible thing” so as to make woke congregants and non-Christians feel welcome.

    Dan Smith, the recently appointed head of the congregation’s “People’s Committee” had this to say about the decision:

    Well, what we realized is that the Bible isn’t really suitable for modernity, particularly if one doesn’t want to look like some sort of wackjob reactionary.

    “I mean, just think: it shames people, which is a big no-no now, is all about eradicating evil by bringing people to Christ rather than putting up with what you might not be a fan of in the name of “toleration”, and even says that people who do certain things and don’t repent will go to hell!

    “Now maybe that was okay to say in the dark ages, but we at Kings Ridge just aren’t gonna put up with that, nor will the non-Christian members of the community. Heck, the Bible even says that fornication and homosexuality are sinful! We can’t have that, not in this enlightened age.

    “So yeah, we just decided to toss it out and replace it with ‘what feels right.’ I mean, why would God give us consciences if he, or she, I mean, didn’t want us to use them? So now we’re just going to use them and all are welcome now, they don’t even need to believe that Christ was the son of God or repent! I think that’s what it really means to be a Christian.

    A few congregants were less than happy with the decision, however, and chose to leave the woke church for the decidedly non-woke local Southern Baptist or Russian Orthodox churches. On such family that did so, speaking on a condition of anonymity, said:

    If other people don’t want to be Christians or live by our principles then fine. They’re free to do so while on Earth, I suppose, they’ll just regret it mightily in the afterlife. 

    “But why are we supposed to change our sacred traditions, throw out our Bible, and hide our beliefs just to make them feel better? They wouldn’t do the same for us, as shown by their total meltdown anytime we say homosexuality is a sin and that non-Christians will go to hell.

    “Anyway, the non-woke Russian Orthodox church couldn’t care less about the complaints of the rainbow flag-wavers, nor could the Southern Baptists, so we’re deciding which of those to join now.”

    Mr. Smith referred to the couple as “evil reactionaries” and tried to criticize them by saying “they were so crazy that they waited until marriage to have sex.” When asked if that’s not what Christians are supposed to do, he got angry and said that he doesn’t believe in the “fascist” parts of the faith. One wonders what parts of it he and his compatriots do believe in. Certainly not the parts recorded in the Bible.

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