NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Following the recent news that Hunter Biden had accepted tens of millions of dollars for his company from the Mayor of Moscow, an enterprising analyst at the Heritage Foundation decided to do a deep dive on what countries Hunter Biden has accepted money from, which countries he hasn’t been bribed by or sold his father’s influence in, and what that might show.
What the report found was even more shocking than most expected.
For one, the analyst, Sam Jenkins, found that of the countries America currently has a “tense to hostile” relationship with–Venezuela, Iran, China, Cuba, North Korea, Russia, Belarus, and Saudi Arabia– the only country he has not accepted money from is North Korea. And that wasn’t for lack of trying on North Korea’s part: it offered him $10 million for a three day stay, but Hunter apparently refused because the hotel and hooker accommodations were not up to his standards and he got a better offer from Iran for that week.
Then there were the other countries, which America has a “friendly to ambiguous” relationship with. Of those, Hunter has accepted some form of payment from a whopping 64%.
$2 million from the Congo for a mining project taking place in the country, $4 million each from Egypt and Ethiopia to “mediate” discussions about the Nile River and access to the water in it, $17 million from Indonesia for “advice on acquiring economic aid,” $35 million from Israel for “helping the Vice President understand the value of having a functioning democracy in the Middle East,” and $8 million from Turkey for “informing the president of an alternative view on the Armenia situation” top the list as being the most obviously corrupt attempts to buy influence.
But more than any single case of obvious bribery was the sum of them. After discussing each case of bribery or influence peddling in detail, Sam Jenkins then noted that, as Hunter has accepted money from more than half of the nations in the world, the list of countries he hasn’t accepted money from is shorter than the list of countries he has accepted money from.
Further, when the total amount of money, favors, perks, and valuables he’s accepted from those countries is added up, the total value is greater than the GDP of 17 nations around the world, all of which helped contribute to the Biden family’s renovation of its beach house and building a wall around said house.
Biden has refused to respond to criticism of his son and the obvious influence peddling, saying only that what Hunter did over the past few decades was “perfectly legal” and that Hunter is “the smartest guy [he] knows.”