NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Slow Joe Biden recently stunned and creeped out a crowd with his story about a girl he knew when he was thirty and she was twelve. Here’s what he said:
“You gotta say hi to me. We go back a long way. She was 12, I was 30. But anyway, this woman helped me get an awful lot done.”
That remark, which many in the crowd took to be quite creepy, distracted from his general message, which was that guns are bad. In his words:
“Gun violence is on the ballot. The idea that you start school this year and kids in many parts of the country are learning to duck and cover … rather than talking about reading, writing and arithmetic is a very different circumstance and it’s not right.”
In any case, the 12 year old comment seriously freaked people out, and so Team Biden decided that Biden needed to do some good in the community to make up for it. That’s when things got even worse.
Biden, you see, is senile and has no idea what is going on. Most of his advisors, taking advantage of that, have just tuned out and stopped caring about what’s going on in the White House and, even if they’re not taking time off, have stopped really caring about or paying attention to what is going on.
And so, some absolute legend inside the White House was able to take advantage of the apathy within the White House and President Slow Joe’s senility to set up an event that proved quite devastating to Biden’s public image: the “community outreach” event following his creepy comment about the woman he knew as a kid was an event the staffer decided to call the “Sniffing Scholarship,” where any kid that let Biden sniff him/her would receive free state college tuition.
Worse, the event was to be co-hosted by R. Kelly, the degenerate rapper that was recently locked up for having sex with underage women. (This is no joke, when a reporter interviewed him about the allegations, he said “define teenager” when asked if he liked teenagers. Yikes)
Somehow, all those details slipped right on by the people supposed to check for them and so the White House started posting links to the “Sniffing Scholarship” hosted by “Uncle Badfinger and R Kelly” at the White House on 4/20…then someone caught on and deleted all the posts.
But, for a few hours, they were up, and all of America got to see yet another example of how incompetent and sick the Biden White House is. And parents were reminded about why they shouldn’t let their kids near the president…who knows what he might do after sniffing them.