NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden was embarrassed yet again on Friday night, this night after his getting lost in the White House for the thousandth time caused a frustrated Secret Service agent to post about the incident in a Facebook live video, saying:
“Here’s what’s going on inside the White House, folks. I’m in the Secret Service, so I know. The president, that moron without a single wrinkle in his brain that you fools elected, is currently lost for like the thousandth time and is probably curled up in a ball somewhere, freaked out by a spider, napping, or thinking industrial chemicals are a snack.
“And yes, all of those things have happened before. One time we caught him scarfing down Tide pods in the laundry room, thinking that they were ‘the new gushers’. His stomach had to be pumped without the media finding out, which was a mess. Another time he got stuck in the White House bunker, thinking it was a nap room; somehow he locked himself in there. Then there are all the times he’s fallen asleep in a closet, gotten lost in some tunnel JFK used to smuggle in a mistress, or seen a spider or cockroach or whatever and freaked out.
“And guess what happens each and every time something like that happens and he can’t be found: we in the Secret Service all have to leave our families, leave our normal duties, and do this ridiculous walk through the White House like we’re looking for a missing hiker, checking each and every nook and cranny of the Executive Mansion in the hope we’ll find him somewhere. It takes forever, is a huge waste of resources, and is super stressful.
“But here we are, thanks to all you wine-mom Karens in the suburbs that just couldn’t hold your nose and vote for Mr. Mean Tweets. So thanks for that.”
The agent appeared to be about to continue his rant but then was approached and fired upon by a hit man who looked suspiciously like Hillary Clinton with a mustache, screaming something about “secrecy” and a “stab in the back.”
The video was later taken down by both Facebook and YouTube for being “unkind,” which is apparently against their terms of service now.
Jen Psaki, obviously mad at having to spend her last press conference discussing Biden getting lost in a house, snapped when Fox News’ Peter Doocy asked her about it, saying:
“Well, Peter, as you know, it’s bad to discuss matters of national security out in the open. So no, much as you might make a mountain out of a napping molehill, I won’t discuss the Secret Service or its policies with you. Russia could be listening!”
She then refused to elaborate on any details of the story or even state whether it was true or false, getting completely uncooperative when asked whether Biden got sick from eating the tide pods.
Trump posted about the story on Truth Social, saying “This is why America needs a very stable genius like me in charge! Say what you will about me (and I’m terrific, so I’m sure what you’ll say is good), but I never got lost in the basement and chowed down on Tide Pods! Sad!“