NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Democrats were more than a tad unhappy when they found out that Elon Musk would be buying Twitter and turning it into a platform that respects the 1st Amendment rights of its users.
They then got even more infuriated when he declared that all speech protected under the 1st Amendment would be protected on the platform, being as it is a modern public square.
But, rather than reflecting on America’s founding values and perhaps why the founders thought that the 1st Amendment was important and worth protecting, the Democrats decided to go full bore on attacking it, declaring in a series of deranged tweets and speeches that the 1st Amendment was actually “hate speech” and thus had to be stricken from the Constitution and banned.
The entirely estimable AOC started that attack, giving a speech outside a DC-area Starbucks, latte in hand and she ranted about how “oppressed” she was thanks to Elon’s Twitter purchase and why the 1st Amendment needs to be done away with. In her words:
“Just, like, ummm, well think of the children. There’s a young, Hispanic, errr, latinx girl out there that will now have to read hate speech on the internet. Thanks to Musk, I will be personally attacked by Republicans that want to date me, and they’ll say things that might be, like, legal, but that, like, I don’t want them to say.
“In fact, I’d say I hate those attacks, so they’re like totally hate speech and shouldn’t be protected anyway. Why is like bullying legal? And that goes for the Amendment thingy with the speech. I hate that too, so it’s hate speech.”
She then spun around and walked off crying about “algorithmic justice for black pregnant men” and “personalized attacks on her truth.”
Pelosi gave a speech on the subject too, shortly following AOC’s interesting presser. Pelosi, speaking in a tired voice after a long night of trading Chinese tech stocks, said:
“I’ll be tired, so I’m keep this short. Oh, oops. I mean, well, I am tired, so I’ll be keeping this short. Anyway, we in the DNC believe that the concept of free speech needs to be updated for the modern era.
“Whereas in the old days white men could say whatever they wanted, however racist, we now believe that society has moved beyond that. In fact, now we see the importance of banning certain types of hate speech, at least in the more progressive and forward-thinking jurisdictions.
“Thus, not only will we stand against hate speech on Elon’s new platform, but we believe that defending such hate speech is itself hate speech, which would mean that the old, rotten 1st Amendment is itself hate speech and must be banned!”
The newest Supreme Court Justice, Kentanji Jackson, was asked what she thought about that argument and she said “I’m not a Constitutional scholar, so I can’t speak on that subject.” After being reminded that she was, in fact, a Supreme Court Justice and would thus have to rule on Constitutional issues, she started screaming and called the Axios reporter a “racist dog.”
Elon, for his part, tweeted out a video of the Tesla floating to Mars from the test of the SpaceX Falcon Heavy Rocket in 2018 and said that any who disagreed with him could get a free ticket to outer space, but that the trip would be one way.