NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Well, Mitch “the Turtle” McConnell is at it again, once again backing down to Democrats in exchange for nothing of real value, trading away whatever negotiation power he has in exchange for fleeting, ultimately meaningless “rewards” from cynical, power hungry Democrats.
This time he did so on the issue of gun control, backing down to the Democrats and letting them determine what gun control laws should be put into effect in the wake of the Uvalde shooting, letting Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer right whatever laws they wanted and telling them that he’d round up enough Republican votes in the Senate to get it passed.
Speaking on that in a media event, McConnell had this to say:
“Yes, I know many of you GOP voters out there will be disappointed, as you enjoy owning what guns you want, using them as you see fit, carrying them for self-defense, using detachable magazines that hold more than three rounds, and all those other aspects of American gun and shooting culture that have been around for years.
“But, while you have fair cause to like those things, they’re not all important. Rather, my vague political machinations, the intent of which you never know and results of which are almost always disappointing, are what really matter.
“Remember when I backed down on the issue of the debt and budget and our party gained absolutely nothing whatsoever in return? I do! That was marvelous, statesmanship of the highest level, statesmanship that I’ll be forever known for.
“So now I have told my venerable colleagues- Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer- that I’m willing to vote for and round up enough votes to vote for, any gun control bill they put in front of me. It’s the right thing to do not because it’s right or just, but because it involves backing down to the Democrats, something I love to do.”
Schumer, speaking about what Democrats would get done with Mitch’s blank check of surrender, said:
“We will use this in every way possible, using it to advance decades of reform and new laws in just a few days, all combined under one bill. Thanks to the understanding and cooperativeness of our Republican colleagues, we can now ban assault rifles, ban detachable magazines, ban high capacity magazines, institute waiting periods for all firearms, and require a special permit for semi-automatic weapons.”
Asked why they wouldn’t ban semi-automatic weapons completely, the Democrats said that they wanted to ensure that their private security forces could remain as heavily armed as necessary, so they instituted a permit and background check system instead, one that they could use to make sure their people could remain armed but other Americans would be unable to.
Mitch, asked what the GOP would gain from backing down, said that the Democrats had promised him “one month of less mean media coverage”.