NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Biden was asked about the situation in Ukraine during a poorly planned and even more poorly executed press conference in Lithuania, during which he ended up joking about Ukrainian President Zelensky’s long-suspected cocaine habit to horrified reporters and furious NATO officials.
It began, when Biden was asked about the general situation in NATO and how the conversations between it and Zelensky went, with him mumbling and then trailing off, saying:
“It went very well, and I think he’d tell you that. We spent about an hour together, and I think we’re — we’re on the right track.
And so, I’m feeling good about the trip. And, you know, we accomplished every goal we set out to accomplish. I know there was some cynicism about whether I could talk the Turks into Sweden and—“
Then, getting back on track when asked when, if ever, Ukraine would get in NATO, Biden said, “I think until the war is over. But, look, the one thing Zelenskyy understands now is that whether or not he’s in NATO now is not relevant as long as he has the commitments that — you remember my talking about saying we’d treat it like — guarantee his security, along with a number of other NATO countries, as it related to how we deal with, for example, Israel — long term. So he’s not concerned about that now. And —”
He then trailed off again and mumbled until asked about how the Ukraine’s counteroffensive is going, at which point he said, “Well, I’m — I’m not at liberty to give you the detail of that. But it’s — we talked at length about it with all his military people within there, and they’re — they’re still optimistic, but they know it’s a hard slog. And — so, any rate.”
That got him some serious stink eye from the NATO officials surrounding him, all of whom wanting him to say that the offensive was going swimmingly so that their massive contributions of money, weapons, and other forms of aid, all of which have stripped their armed forces of weapons and caused massive inflation throughout the Western world, would seem worth it.
President Biden, surprisingly, picked up on that and changed his tune. “Actually,” he said, “things are going quite well. Real well. Fake news and Russian trolls want you to think otherwise, but the Ukrainians are conducting a methodical offensive that’s really grinding down the Russians. Lots of success and far fewer casualties than you’d think. Kinda like us in Iraq.”
“And lemme tell you what else,” he continued. “All that success is thanks to Zelensky, who is a man of indomitable energy. Real energetic fella. Heck, I think he and Hunter have similar hobbies, if ya get what I’m saying…”
That’s when a NATO official grabbed Biden by the arm and dragged him away from the reporters, obviously furious that he joked about Zelensky using cocaine.