NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
President Joe Biden recently responded to the Hamas attack against Israel by holding a scheduled BBQ event with a live band on the White House lawn, from which he proceeded to make his way to the White House to go to bed. Waking up the next day, he finally went ahead and said something about the incident, promising the Israelis yet more aid.
In his statement on the matter, Biden vowed closer than ever ties between the US and Israel and to send it whatever aid it needed to maintain its fight against Hamas and, potentially, the much better-armed and organized terrorists in Hezbollah. He said:
This is not some distant tragedy. The ties between Israel and the United States run deep. It is personal for so many American families who are feeling the pain of this attack as well as the scars inflicted through millennia of antisemitism and persecution of Jewish people. In cities across the country, police departments have stepped up security around centers of Jewish life, and the Department of Homeland Security, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, and other federal law enforcement partners are closely monitoring for any domestic threats in connection with the horrific terrorist attacks in Israel.
In this moment of heartbreak, the American people stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Israelis. We remember the pain of being attacked by terrorists at home, and Americans across the country stand united against these evil acts that have once more claimed innocent American lives. It is an outrage. And we will continue to show the world that the American people are unwavering in our resolve to oppose terrorism in all forms.
The United States and the State of Israel are inseparable partners, and I affirmed to Prime Minister Netanyahu again when we spoke yesterday that the United States will continue to make sure Israel has what it needs to defend itself and its people.
Well, that infuriated Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, who launched into a petulant rage over the fact that the Israelis were receiving the flood of American tax dollars that he thought he would be able to spend on cocaine and hookers.
Yelling in a video leaked to Telegram by an angry subordinate, Zelensky said, “Those American tax dollars were meant for us! We need them! We were promised them! We have to spend them! How else are we supposed to buy all the…well necessities of the war effort?! We can hardly afford what we need, much less what we want, and now the Americans are shipping their guns and money to the Israelis instead! They already gives those dolts billions a year and have done so for decades, why do they need to get more? Did they waste all of it? Is it all gone? Did they waste it as we w… well, as some before me used resources inefficiently? Seems like it. But we need the mone!”
Zelensky then started crying and broke out a small bag of white powder, at which point the video ends.