NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.
Where’s Hunter? Hiding out in some crack house in Arkansas, apparently, as he just left a five star review of it on Yelp and Google in an incident that was more than a bit embarrassing to the Biden White House, which had claimed that Hunter kicked his crack habit years ago.
But while that Yelp review was embarrassing and bad, a new, even worse Hunter Biden faux pass just leaked: Hunter, in a video recorded at a place suspected to be that Arkansas crack house, can be heard complaining about crack price inflation and blaming “the Big Guy for it.”
In the video, which shows a predictably naked Hunter Biden attempting to light a crack pipe while screaming at a scantily clad woman weighing something (presumably crack) on a kitchen scale behind him, Hunter can be heard saying:
“All of this is such f***ing bullsh**! Remember how things were like 8 months or a year or whatever, ago? Back then you could get a da** good crack high and pretty darn awesome crack pipe fill up for just $20! And boy did I have money to pay for that since all those Chinese guys were just handing me cash for my paintings.
“But then the Big Guy took his cut and I ran out of money! Half! He took half! I wouldn’t have had to smoke Parmesean and could have kept lighting up bowl after beautiful bowl of crack if it weren’t for that idiot taking so much!
“And he didn’t just take all my money, as if that weren’t bad enough since he’s dumber than a rotting eggplant. He also made the cost of crack skyrocket. I don’t know how he did it or what bill that senile idiot signed, but it sure made my good times more expensive and painful to the wallet. What a waste!”
Hunter then caught the woman hiding a few rocks she took off the scale and proceeded to berate her for it, yelling about how expensive those “rocks” had gotten thanks to the “Big Guy’s crack price inflation,” which he insinuated he understood “CPI” stood for. CPI really stands for “consumer price index,” not “crack price inflation.”
The two then kept bickering for twenty minutes, with their wide-ranging and mostly incoherent crack-fueled argument being bizarrely recorded in its entirety.
The argument and continual rants about crack price inflation only ended when Hunter fell asleep face down on a cough when looking for a lighter that he believed had fallen between the seat cushions but was really in his right hand.
The White House attempted to label the video a”deep fake,” but Hunter exposed it as real by declaring that he had not “consented to be filmed,” an argument that fell apart when Jack Posobiec exposed the video as having come from Hunter’s own phone.