Note: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. First Lady Jill Biden, or “Dr.” Biden, as she insists on being called, was recently giving a speech in DC on the bizarrely specific topic of female construction workers in Arizona, and during the speech decided to start going on a long rant about why she should be called “Dr.” rather than “Mrs.” for her education degree. Beginning, she said: Last year, I met a young woman named Lilly in Arizona. When she graduated high school, she wasn’t sure what she wanted to pursue. And,…
Author: will
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Speaking during his recent State of the Union address, President Biden focused heavily on defending “our democracy” in the Ukraine, even going so far as to say that all funding would be stripped of the Border Patrol and delivered to the Ukrainians. Beginning with a bizarre reference to World War II, he said, “Mr. Speaker, Madam Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans. In January 1941, Franklin Roosevelt came to this chamber to speak to the nation. And he said, “I address you at…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Kamala was recently, bizarrely, put in charge of giving a speech on the Biden Administration’s Israel policy. Predictably, the policy announcement was a massive flop, with Kamala rambling incoherently and then admitting the awkward truth about the Biden Administration’s Israel policy. Kicking things off, she said, “Well, we’re going to discuss a number of things in terms of the priorities that, certainly, we have, which includes getting a hostage deal done, getting aid in, and — and then getting that six-week ceasefire. You know, the…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Biden visited the border last week and, while there, rambled incoherently about how really it was Trump that made the border open and insecure. Despite the lunacy of the claim, Biden stuck to it and kept ranting, rambling, and raving about how the bad orange man had opened the border. But then, drifting off track. Biden started ranting about climate change and how MAGA states would get no aid from his administration. Beginning, he said: Hello, folks. Good afternoon. Before we start, I’d like…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. What do Native American groups need to thrive? According to President Joe Biden, the answer is “more stuff from the government,” with the “stuff” here being massive amounts of debt they can use to do…something undefined. President Biden announced as much in a short speech that went off the rails after he remembered the time Hunter Biden spent in casinos. Kicking the speech off, Biden said: Yesterday, Interior Secretary Haaland, Small Business Administrator Guzman, Commerce Deputy Secretary Graves, U.S. Treasurer Malerba, and Acting Comptroller of…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things went off the rails in the usual sort of way when Vice President Kamala Harris appeared for a speech in Durham, North Carolina, on “empowering minority entrepreneurs.” Instead of just talking about small businesses generally, as most would do to avoid controversy, VP Harris decided to use “crack dealers” as her example of a small business. Then she declared they need federal funding, horrifying the audience yet more. Kicking things off, she said: And that is real, because it also understands that not everyone…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Joe Biden attempted to give a speech on how safe America is under his watch and, predictably, it went poorly. This time, however, it was not because of his gaffes that it went poorly, though those gaffes were there and made the speech go less than perfectly. Rather, it went badly because, as Biden rambled about how low crime is thanks to him, career felons robbed people outside the building. Biden, for his part, was saying: Thanks to the law enforcement and community leaders…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Speaking in Brownsville, TX, after visiting the border area to determine for himself what was going on and how big of a problem it is, President Biden first tried to blame Republicans for how things are going at the border, then got distracted and admitted that he is at fault. Kicking things off, he said: Folks, on my first day as President, I introduced a bill I sent to Congress: a comprehensive plan to fix the broken immigration system and to secure the border. But…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Biden gave yet another speech on the situation in Ukraine on Sunday, and as usual, it was entirely hypocritical. That’s because Biden, despite damning Putin for having arrested certain political enemies, went on in the speech to declare that his administration would be working to lock up former President Donald Trump and his supporters. Beginning, Biden said, speaking for his administration: President Putin has failed to achieve his strategic objective of subjugating Ukraine. Instead, he is forcing his own people to pay a heavy…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Jill Biden, or “Dr.” Jill Biden, as she insists on being called, recently spoke at a meeting between America’s governors, for whatever reason, and while there, spent nearly her entire speech ranting about why she should be referred to as “Dr.” Biden. It was incredibly uncomfortable for the attendees. Kicking off the speech, she said: Governor Cox, Mr. Chairman, thank you for your work and your efforts to foster a more constructive, respectful dialogue in our debates. Joe is grateful for your leadership, and I’m…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Speaking on Friday, February 23, President Joe Biden discussed space exploration and the recent moon landing. However, instead of using the moment to highlight American exceptionalism, he used it to describe why America would be cutting its space program to pay for a new welfare program meant to give food stamps to convicted felons. Beginning, he said: On Thursday night, for the first time in over 50 years, an American spacecraft landed on the Moon – a thrilling step forward in a new era of…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Vice President Kamala Harris was again allowed to speak, with predictably terrible results, on Thursday. Doing so, she tried giving a speech on “reproductive freedom” and, predictably, it turned into a lengthy ramble on how babies don’t have “bodily autonomy.” Kicking the wild speech off, she said: Freedom is fundamental to the promise of America. And what we saw over a year ago is the highest court in our land, the United States Supreme Court — the Court of Thurgood and RBG — took a…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Biden’s 2020 campaign, for whatever reason, decided that it would be a good idea to let him speak again. That went less than well, as Biden went off track predictably quickly and started rambling about corruption and nonsense, much to the obvious discomfort of his guests. Kicking things off for the California campaign speech, Biden said: Look, folks, you know, I wouldn’t wait this long for anybody except possibly — can you — what’s — what’s her name? Jane Fonda. I wouldn’t do this for…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. For whatever imbecilic reason, the Biden Administration put Vice President Kamala Harris in charge of giving a speech on semi-conductors and how the Biden Administration is encouraging their production. Apparently, however, she did zero research on the topic and so, when attempting to improvise, went off course with an idiotic rant about potato chips. She said: Semiconductors are the brain of modern technology. While they are no larger than a fingernail and no thicker than a piece of paper, they are essential to every electronic…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Slow Joe Biden was giving a speech on the situation in Russia, where activist and suspected Western spy Aleksey Navalny died in prison in Siberia, where he had been locked up after requesting aid from MI6, Britain’s intelligence service, to overthrow Putin. In the speech Brandon declared that America would never imprison its political leaders, then went on to explain the attempts to lock up Trump. Good afternoon. I — I’m heading off to East Palestine in — in a moment, but I wanted…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Zelensky of Ukraine had the misfortune of having to speak alongside Vice President Kamala Harris while begging for billions more from the United States. Predictably, it went less than well, with VP Harris being extremely awkward and Zelensky being stunningly rude. VP Harris led off, saying, “But it is good to see you again. The last time I saw you was in the White House. And I gave a speech yesterday in which I said publicly what I had and the President — President…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. How is the American economy doing? According to National Economic Advisor Lael Brainard, everything is going wonderfully. Such is what he said in a recent speech, stepping on stage and saying: It is a pleasure to join NABE in its annual assessment. It is a good moment to assess our economy’s recovery. There is broad agreement that the strong U.S. recovery has exceeded expectations following the devastation of the pandemic and the Putin price shock to food and energy. Beyond this, there are preliminary indications…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. What’s going on in Biden’s brain? Not much. Such was obvious when he gave his expected statement on the shooting in Kansas City. Though he was expected to fall in line with all leftists and blame guns rather than criminals for the shooting, Brandon went above and beyond, directly blaming the gun for being “evil.” Kicking things off, he said: The Super Bowl is the most unifying event in America. Nothing brings more of us together. And the celebration of a Super Bowl win is…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Joe Biden was recently trotted out in front of the cameras for yet another speech on inflation, with this one going even worse than normal for the less-than-genius-level president. That’s because he went off track in a big way during the speech, focusing not on what he should have focused on, which is anything other than the American economic disaster zone, but instead jumped into that and then made some embarrassing admissions. It kicked off with Biden claiming that everything is going great in…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. How are things going in Biden’s brain? Well, truth be told, there’s not much going on in there at all. But, what few lonely cells still struggle to make something happen were apparently taking the day off during a recent speech he gave, as he decided to give a speech on how a ghost told him that Trump will end “our democracy.” Kicking off the speech with a long ramble about Europe, Biden said: The fact is that, you know, this is an unusual time…