After a deranged teenager murdered innocent children at a Texas elementary school, millions of Black Lives Matter disciples were upset that the shooting overshadowed the two-year anniversary commemorating the religious cult’s Patron of Obedience, Saint George Floyd. It was not for lack of effort. Cult leader Barack Obama made sure to step over dead kids’ graves and remind everyone that their sacrifice was not nearly as crucial to advancing useful political narratives as the drug-induced overdose of BLM Jesus: https://twitter.com/BarackObama/status/1529555038246428672?s=20&t=n2jSIhM3Rc4ZV9Jyl1fMmw “As we grieve the children of Uvalde today, we should take time to recognize that two years have passed since…
Author: Hailey Sanibel
The growing suburban community of Middleford, Minnesota celebrated the first-of-its-kind hiring this week, rolling out (literally) the first wheelchair-bound firefighter. Speaking at a press conference, Chief Anders Larsson proudly introduced their newest firefighter. “In the past, we only looked at applicants who presented with specific attributes. Namely, candidates for our department had to be muscular, aerobically fit, male, and because we live in rural Minnesota, white,” Chief Larsson began. “I have done a lot of the work, and have been trying to do better, and am trying to unpack my privilege, and am trying to unlearn everything wrong that I…
Fresh off a successfully televised, primetime event highlighting their false flag event at the U.S. Capitol, the Federal Bureau of Investigations launched Operation Time Saver by deploying local, state, and federal authorities to the homes of conservative Americans. In all, about 74 million Americans were detained and sent to various re-education camps around the country. Relatedly, public school enrollment increased by about 74 million overnight. Corporate media report the F.B.I.’s siege of private homes and businesses as much-needed salvation for America’s teetering democracy. CNN’s Don Lemon opened his fledgling show by stating: “America has finally gotten rid of the Trump…
Although June is the month set aside for extra pandering to the increasingly militant community of, well, pretty much anyone not derided as Ultra-MAGA nowadays, one brave Montana woman took a different approach. Elizabeth Millings woke up, ate breakfast with her kids, worked at the house, enjoyed a happy hour drink with her husband, and went to bed this past Thursday. For all we know she and her husband enjoyed relations after they both had a double whiskey neat, but no one knows for sure. In fact, we aren’t even sure any of that other stuff happened either because she…
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, third in line for presidential succession and first in line after last call is made at her Capitol bar, was told to remain in Moscow during the American envoy’s most recent diplomatic mission to the sanctioned nation on account of being more Russian than most Russians. “She has much more Stolichnaya in her veins than the average man in Siberia, “said lead negotiator Sergei Kimelkov. “Our team is actually quite impressed how she stays up so late with intravenous application and wakes up early to brush her teeth with Russian juice.” Asked for comment on whether…
Culminating the World Economic Forum’s retreat at Davos was the annual, but little known, mustache contest. When reporters like Jack Posobiec and others were arrested or detained nearby, it wasn’t because of concern over top-secret information coming out; it was only because peach fuzz isn’t a good look for petty tyrants. Announcing the winners was the co-hosting team of Melinda Gates and Frauline Schwab, mistress of real-life Bond villain Klaus Schwab. Tangentially, she said she was fine with his penis-shaped head in the previous year, but the oncoming scrotum appearance of his face is a bit much. Gates had the…
After deciding that boys can hurt peoples’ feelings with unwanted and unapproved reactions, the gridlocked Senate is hoping to use its tie-breaking vote in Kamala Harris to make it a misdemeanor crime for boys and young men to display any outward expression of confusion, anger, humor, or happiness. Sandyhook Senator Chris Murphy (D-CT) is leading the effort to outlaw the possibility of emotion in relationships. “I am here on this floor to beg – literally upside down balancing on my head and waving my arms frantically – for my Nazi colleagues to come together in recognition that teenage snark hurts…
With many Canadians unable to afford a home, access public transportation like planes and trains, access their bank accounts, and now not even being afforded the fundamental right of self-preservation, exit surveys show that Canadians are leaving Frozen Cuba in favor of the freedoms offered by Kim Jong Un. They are even saying Kim has a better haircut than pretty-boy Castreau. Though they do not know what to expect when they land in Pyongyang, it surely can’t be any worse than what they experience on a daily basis in Ottawa. “One day, I was simply catching a ride on the…
In a shocking twist to competing leftist narratives, a recent cache of forgotten VHS tapes from the Floyd family reveal that Floyd’s mother was strongly considering getting an abortion when she was pregnant with young George. “I just don’t know what will become of him,” Ms. Floyd can be heard saying as the camera pans from her head to her buttocks in a classic case of male filmography. “I don’t know how I can support him. And I had so many more plans for my life still. Plus, dependency runs through our family, and drug use is just getting easier…
CNN took an edited sound bite from Donald Trump that made it appear he was praising the drunk, sometimes-abusive Johnny Depp and psychotic, always-abusive Amber Heard in a recent interview at his Mar-A-Lago resort. “Both actors are fine people” Trump is shown saying in a heavily-spliced video from a recent Ultra-MAGA rally interview. Reports from the White House suggest Joe Biden will use this clip to announce his 2024 campaign launch. The full video appears to show the former president saying this: “I actually don’t care about what’s going on. You know why? Because these two people are losers. This…
In a swift and sweeping movement throughout the far-left, advocates of ending life in the womb and in the delivery room announced that murder shouldn’t be limited to the case of helpless babies. Now, in an effort to curb domestic terrorism and make Thanksgiving meals less divisive, pro-infanticide activists are suggesting an increase of the legal age for human murder from “I don’t want it” to “You’re a threat to democracy.” The strongest argument put forth from the “my body, my choice” crowd was that all mothers’ bodies are susceptible to capital insurrections. “What if I am visiting Washington, D.C.…
In a surprise move, the devil announced he could no longer be associated with the Democrat party and all of its commensurate policies and activism. “Look, I was all about ruining what was good and destroying the soul of man, but haven’t we achieved that already? This is overkill, as far as I am concerned now. They have taken it too far.” When asked to elaborate, Satan shared that he encouraged leftist political extremists to murder babies, open borders, devalue fiat, price families out of homes, create food shortages, forcefully violate individual autonomy with clot shots, blame whites for everything,…
After seeing how his purchase of Twitter melted leftists’ brains, Elon Musk found a new way to entertain himself. It is now being reported the Tesla CEO is making a bid to take the nominal non-profit agency Planned Parenthood completely private. Much like Twitter had been, Planned Parenthood is currently operating entirely dependent on the government. The former relied on guidance as to which narratives should and should not be allowed whereas the latter relies on an unconstitutional mandate to permit heinous acts of cruelty and receives egregious sums of taxpayer money to carry them out. Musk seeks to change…
Edward Snowden and Julian Assange, two heavyweight whistleblowers who blew the lid on nefarious, corrupt, and illegal U.S. government operations, spoke out about the disconnect between revealing information on how our tax dollars are spent policing us and the subsequent minimal public outrage, compared to the outrageous public outcry over a similar leak, revealing nothing more than an imminent adjudication concerning legalized infanticide. As one political observer has noted: “Obviously, one of the leftist judges leaked the Court memo to ignite protests and riots that would intimidate the justices. You will see this leaker be feted in the media.” This…
Shortly after Elon Musk purchased Twitter for over $40 billion, thousands of leftist users abandoned the soon-to-be free speech haven and announced a plan to join up again on Weibo, the CCP-owned social media company, in the hopes of finding an online environment that censors different opinions. Several Twitter users posted one final tweet announcing their departure: “In order to save democracy, we must prevent ideas from being heard!” “Can’t wait to join Weibo. The Chinese actually know how to run a country on democratic principles!” “Thanks, Elon. Misinformation is an existential threat to America. I guess I will take…
Patrisse Cullors, co-founder of the decidedly not-non-profit Black Lives Matter, announced her candidacy as a Democrat candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives Friday morning. Cullors, a black multi-millionaire race hustler who has profited immensely by selling black grievances and holding the feet of corporate CEOS to the woke flame, was welcomed by Maxine Waters, Al Sharpton, Kamala Harris, and Barack Obama at a press conference. “I am so much better than you,” the elitist Cullors began. “You idiots gave me money because I threatened to burn down your businesses and then I made you believe that white supremacy exists.…
Disney CEO Bob Chapek announced to his Florida-based employees that beginning January 1st, 2023, they would all be moving to China in response to the hate-filled, homophobic legislation signed by Governor Ron DeSantis. Chapek stated emphatically that he could no longer live and work in a state filled with so much hatred and intolerance. DeSantis, after all, signed the Parental Rights in Education bill that made it illegal to indoctrinate students as young as five into gender theory and various woke offshoots. In addition to announcing the move, the Disney CEO also revealed that he had many offers to uproot…