NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. It was a strange and stressful, if not entirely unexpected, day at the RNC building in DC: House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy finally took the fateful step of going with his true inclinations and dropping his Republican affiliation to join up with the Democrats. Announcing the move in a statement shortly after changing parties, flanked by friends and “principled conservatives” Liz Cheney and Mitch McConnell, both of whom promised to still “work with” Mccarthy on “bipartisan issues,” McCarthy had this to say about his decision: “Friends, thank…
Author: will
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. When Sulla, the Roman general and dictator that chased away Gaius Marius and restored the Roman Republic, returned to Rome and wanted to solidify power, he started posting “proscriptions.” Those proscriptions were names of political enemies, and if one’s name was on the list then whoever killed them would receive a reward, normally part of their property. As Brittanica describes the practice: “[A proscription was] a posted notice listing Roman citizens who had been declared outlaws and whose goods were confiscated. Rewards were offered to anyone killing…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Well, it turns out that all those rumors from a few weeks ago about Nancy Pelosi deciding it’s time to retire from the House of Reps might have been more accurate than they seemed at first blush. That’s because though Nasty Nancy initially announced that she’d be running for Congress again in 2022, she’s decided to cancel that and move on, focusing on her true passion: day-trading. Speaking about the decision in a press conference that took place before the ringing of the bell in New York,…
Fellow patriots, What is it you need more of in your life? All of us have different answers, but yours probably isn’t “depressing news about how badly the senile moron in the White House is wrecking the nation with his terrible policies.” Yes, staying up to date on the news is important and if real news is what you are looking for… our favorite site is Patriotfetch.com, but we all need to share a hearty laugh from time to time too. That’s because laughter isn’t just the best medicine for your physical health, it’s also the best medicine for your…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Joe Biden got the angriest he’s been in a long while on Tuesday, April 27th, when he wandered off to his favorite napping spot, a bunk bed in the nuclear bunker under the White House, a place he calls the “quiet spot,” and found that his favorite blanket was missing. There were other, identical ones there, but he noticed that his was missing because none said “Joe” on them. He’d scrawled that in all-capital letters on one blanket with a sharpie weeks before, so he was…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. According to a White House insider, President Joe Biden, waking up after a quick, 48-hour nap, was furious to discover that Elon Musk had purchased Twitter and was vowing to defend free speech on it, saying: “What the hell, Jack? Who let this happen? Didn’t I send Hunter over to talk to those jokers and tell them not to sell? “Now we’re gonna have a bunch of dog-faced pony soldiers running around the blue bird with their AR-14s and calling me Brandon! Can’t have that, know what…
Note: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Elon Musk recently purchased Tesla in a whopper of a deal, paying the gargantuan sum of $44 billion to take over the social media giant in a move that has sent the blue-haired left into a hilarious to watch spiral of worry, fear, and concern. And that was before Elon even did anything that might warrant concern; all he did was buy the company. Now he’s sent the White House and all those who generally side with Biden into apoplectic fits, using his new position as Emperor…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. There’s a bad, dark moon on the rise now that Elon Musk, the eccentric oligarch who comes from apartheid-era South Africa, is in charge of Twitter. Thanks to him, rampaging crowds of self-proclaimed “Twitter respecters” are going wild and assaulting people they call “censorship enthusiasts” in a wild orgy of violence directed at those who once controlled the censorship-prone social media site. In fact, the crowds of “Twitter respecters,” all die-hard Elon Musk fans wearing around Tesla hats and carrying jumper cables with them, have even gone…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. It was a rough day at the White House after Slow Joe attempted giving a speech despite having only one teleprompter with extra-large text and seven rounds of morning stimulants so that he could stay awake for the full 20-minute event. Having only had enough stimulant rounds to keep him awake and sentient for ten minutes, the first part of Biden’s speech went (relatively) well, with the president only mixing up the city he was in (Austin) with a relatively similar (to him) city, Madrid. On that…
Note: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. After years of screeching “hypocrite” every time the Democrats do something hypocritical, a charge that never does anything other than rile up the base (leftists couldn’t care less about being called ‘the real racists,’ or whatever. They know the charge sticks on the GOP better than them), the GOP thinks it’s found a charge that’ll finally stick and stop the Dems. What is that charge? That certain legislators, legislators that will remain nameless so as to avoid a repeat of the John McAfee end (suicided) for this…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. In what will be terrible news for those who enjoy seeing at least one major company not toe every single bit and piece of the leftist line about whatever the current thing is, a partnership composed mainly of Bill Gates and George Soros has announced that it, in revenge for Elon buying Twitter and rolling back the forces of censorship, will be buying Chick Fil A and taking that company public. Posting about it on Twitter, Gates said “Who’s the pregnant man now, Elon?” That response was…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The night of 4/20 was a gloomy night for the WEF’s Klaus Schwab. Firing up his computer in the hope that yet another MSM outlet had published his essay on the necessity of eating grasshoppers rather than cows (for the lower and middle classes, of course, he ate a steak the night the wrote it), he saw something that horrified him, the one argument he’d been worried might crop up and that he had no idea how to counter. That idea? That we should not “eat ze…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. As many who have kept up with Europe’s descent into hell as a result of political correctness know, “groomer gangs” are a big problem over there. The gangs of Pakistani men are known for drugging young British girls and then forcing them into sexual servitude, raping the young women hundreds of times, as British police do nothing to stop them out of concerns about not being politically correct or being called “racists” by the rapist gang members. Meanwhile, in America, which is going to hell in a…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The US government, or at least the executive branch of it, ground to a screeching halt on Friday when President Joe Biden decided to take a nap. Problem was, he decided to nap not in a bedroom or his favorite nap spot — the nuclear bunker underneath the White House — but rather in a small closet at the opposite end of where he normally spends his days, watching reruns and eating oatmeal in between naps. As a result, it took the Secret Service agents and White…
NOTE: This is generally satire, not a statement of fact. Other than the video, treat it as such. Biden, fulfilling his campaign pledge to a union worker that he’d take away his “AR-14” (watch Biden’s threat and the worker’s later response below), Biden finally signed off on the demand of his ATF head, chomping at the bit to relive Waco, and agreed that there should be an assault weapon seizure, duly writing up an order and sending it to the eagerly waiting jackbooted officers at ATF field offices. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FqGPbs0G0w However, there was a problem. Slow Joe had insisted on typing…
NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. “It just doesn’t make sense,” Special Agent Raymond muttered as he glanced over crime statistics published by the FBI in the end of the Bush Era, a full decade and a half before his assignment began “how did Republicans commit so many crimes in dark blue areas like inner-city Chicago? Did they have stronger urban outreach efforts in the past? Were there insurrections happening around the country, with buffalo horn-clothed gangsters taking over cities and states? This data is so confusing.” Unable to comprehend what was going on in those…
Greasy Gavin Newsom, the governor of California, finally figured out how to solve the Bidenflation crisis, or at least the aspects of it stemming from high oil prices. Taking it upon himself to bear the burden of fixing the current crisis, Governor Gavin Newsom fearlessly offered up his most prized asset–his hair–to solve the oil shortage problem and lower costs for American families. After having one final dinner at The French Laundry with his current hairstyle, Governor Newsom then made a journey to that hair salon where Nasty Nancy Pelosi got her hair done while everything else was shut down…
Note: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Team Biden was furious to discover on Thursday, April 21st that it would have to evacuate the White House ASAP because Hunter, in a crack-induced stupor, had sold it to Red China as a way of making up for all the back taxes he’s had to pay as part of an FBI investigation into his business activities. Apparently, Hunter, needing to make a quick buck, offered to sell the building and all its “miscellaneous contents” to Xi Jinping’s family and convinced the various officials on the US side to sign…
NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Dr. Fauci, the gravel-voiced tyrant that has become so famous in the wake of the devastation wrought by his response to the CCP virus, is reportedly fuming over a Florida judge lifting the airline mask mandate. A source within his office, speaking anonymously in an attempt to stab Fauci in the back said: “I know I’ll be judged for talking, but I need to. Not out of any sense of the national good, nah, F*** THAT! That’s not what we’re about. Nah, this place is like Italy in the 15th…
NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Dr. Hans Rudolph Lickenschlipter (hereafter: Dr. Hans) is the leader of the world’s preeminent “cow fart research” team, a team of the top climate scientists that examines the effects of the methane released in cow flatulence on the world climate. Dr. Hans was giving a speech at the recent climate conference in the French Riveria, which he of course reached by private jet (a Gulfstream G6 jet) and planned on leaving on the Climate Science Society’s 170-foot, diesel-powered yacht, on Tuesday the 19th of April when the weirdest thing happened:…