Author: will

NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.  The night of 4/20 was a gloomy night for the WEF’s Klaus Schwab. Firing up his computer in the hope that yet another MSM outlet had published his essay on the necessity of eating grasshoppers rather than cows (for the lower and middle classes, of course, he ate a steak the night the wrote it), he saw something that horrified him, the one argument he’d been worried might crop up and that he had no idea how to counter. That idea? That we should not “eat ze…

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NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. As many who have kept up with Europe’s descent into hell as a result of political correctness know, “groomer gangs” are a big problem over there. The gangs of Pakistani men are known for drugging young British girls and then forcing them into sexual servitude, raping the young women hundreds of times, as British police do nothing to stop them out of concerns about not being politically correct or being called “racists” by the rapist gang members. Meanwhile, in America, which is going to hell in a…

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NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The US government, or at least the executive branch of it, ground to a screeching halt on Friday when President Joe Biden decided to take a nap. Problem was, he decided to nap not in a bedroom or his favorite nap spot — the nuclear bunker underneath the White House — but rather in a small closet at the opposite end of where he normally spends his days, watching reruns and eating oatmeal in between naps. As a result, it took the Secret Service agents and White…

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NOTE: This is generally satire, not a statement of fact. Other than the video, treat it as such. Biden, fulfilling his campaign pledge to a union worker that he’d take away his “AR-14” (watch Biden’s threat and the worker’s later response below), Biden finally signed off on the demand of his ATF head, chomping at the bit to relive Waco, and agreed that there should be an assault weapon seizure, duly writing up an order and sending it to the eagerly waiting jackbooted officers at ATF field offices. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FqGPbs0G0w However, there was a problem. Slow Joe had insisted on typing…

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NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. “It just doesn’t make sense,” Special Agent Raymond muttered as he glanced over crime statistics published by the FBI in the end of the Bush Era, a full decade and a half before his assignment began “how did Republicans commit so many crimes in dark blue areas like inner-city Chicago? Did they have stronger urban outreach efforts in the past? Were there insurrections happening around the country, with buffalo horn-clothed gangsters taking over cities and states? This data is so confusing.” Unable to comprehend what was going on in those…

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Greasy Gavin Newsom, the governor of California, finally figured out how to solve the Bidenflation crisis, or at least the aspects of it stemming from high oil prices. Taking it upon himself to bear the burden of fixing the current crisis, Governor Gavin Newsom fearlessly offered up his most prized asset–his hair–to solve the oil shortage problem and lower costs for American families. After having one final dinner at The French Laundry with his current hairstyle, Governor Newsom then made a journey to that hair salon where Nasty Nancy Pelosi got her hair done while everything else was shut down…

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Note: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Team Biden was furious to discover on Thursday, April 21st that it would have to evacuate the White House ASAP because Hunter, in a crack-induced stupor, had sold it to Red China as a way of making up for all the back taxes he’s had to pay as part of an FBI investigation into his business activities. Apparently, Hunter, needing to make a quick buck, offered to sell the building and all its “miscellaneous contents” to Xi Jinping’s family and convinced the various officials on the US side to sign…

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NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Dr. Fauci, the gravel-voiced tyrant that has become so famous in the wake of the devastation wrought by his response to the CCP virus, is reportedly fuming over a Florida judge lifting the airline mask mandate. A source within his office, speaking anonymously in an attempt to stab Fauci in the back said: “I know I’ll be judged for talking, but I need to. Not out of any sense of the national good, nah, F*** THAT! That’s not what we’re about. Nah, this place is like Italy in the 15th…

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NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Dr. Hans Rudolph Lickenschlipter (hereafter: Dr. Hans) is the leader of the world’s preeminent “cow fart research” team, a team of the top climate scientists that examines the effects of the methane released in cow flatulence on the world climate. Dr. Hans was giving a speech at the recent climate conference in the French Riveria, which he of course reached by private jet (a Gulfstream G6 jet) and planned on leaving on the Climate Science Society’s 170-foot, diesel-powered yacht, on Tuesday the 19th of April when the weirdest thing happened:…

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NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such Following a White House staffer dressed as an Easter bunny’s success in stopping Joe from talking about Afghanistan during the White House Easter Egg roll event, former President Trump realized how effective he could be if dressed up as an imaginary rabbit in taking over the US government. So, dressed as the Easter Bunny, Trump headed to the White House on Wednesday, 4/20, and was shocked to discover that no one even tried to stop him, but instead just waved him through the security gate, laughing at the idea that…

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NOTE: This is SATIRE, not fact. Treat it as such. Though he’s busy with other things, namely redesigning his massive dacha, a palace that some report cost over $1 billion to construct, Putin took time out of his busy schedule to talk with his FSB (modern KGB) officers about the danger posed to their intelligence-gathering operations by the amount of attention focused on one agent by American media. Speaking anonymously to the media after the meeting, only talking to us out of spite because he was jealous of the size of Putin’s dacha compared to his, one high-level official said:…

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Note: This is satire, not fact or a statement of fact. Treat it as such. An anonymous source within the White House, refusing to speak on anything other than a condition of anonymity because “the Bidens know the Clintons” and s/he does not want to be “Epsteined”, reports that Biden has been in a bitter fight with the top military and Secret Service personnel over whether he can fully repurpose the nuclear bunker underneath the White House into a dedicated nap room. Speaking on that situation and Biden’s demands, the anonymous source said: “Yeah, so Biden’s been disappearing for like…

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NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such Adrianna Remington was just getting back to her home from a long day of burning, looting, marching, and screaming in protest when she saw a newspaper sitting outside her neighbor’s house and, as the front page was titled MODERN SLAVERY, she stole it and went inside to read it. What she read shocked her. According to the article, the Foxconn plants in Red China that make iPhones (of which she’s had one of each generation since the 3G) are basically slave labor camps where nets have to be put under…

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Note: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. With the Biden family finances hurt by Hunter Biden’s inability to sell any of his mediocre paintings now that Joe isn’t all that popular and his impotence as a president has been discovered, Biden decided to take a major step and make “the smartest guy” he knows, Hunter, drug czar. He also seemed a bit confused over what the position would entail. Here’s how he began his statement on the decision (we did our best with the transcript, some of his words were indecipherable): “As many of you know, the…

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Note: this is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Already embarrassed over the Gretchen Whitmer kidnapping scheme and the revelation that it set the men involved up, the FBI suffered a dramatic blow to its prestige on Tuesday when a lack of communications between the agency and other government authorities led to a snafu where all its agents were arrested. FBI Director Wray, the sole member of the FBI not arrested during the nation-wide dragnet conducted by National Gaurd units, local police departments, and even a few SWAT Teams, spoke about the incident in a press conference last night,…

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NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. According to anonymous sources within the White House, President Joe Biden was not happy that a rabbit surprised him during the recent White House Easter egg roll event. Walking around the White House for the rest of the workday (until his 4pm dinner and bedtime) after the event, Biden vowed that he’d never let a rabbit sneak up on him again and kept screaming at the Secret Service agents for daring to let a monstrously large rabbit get so close to him. The Secret Service officials, according…

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NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Hot off his offer to buy Twitter and turn it back into a free speech platform, Tesla, PayPal, and SpaceX founder Elon Musk decided to put a bit more of his massive net worth to use. Specifically, Elon decided to spend $1 more and pick up failing CNN too, saying that he’d use his fortune to turn it from some sad mockery of news where Brian Stelter does his best imitation of a eunuch while ranting about some leftie political topic back into a real news station. Speaking on those…

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NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. BLM’s leaders finally looked up from the flames of their most recent riot long enough to get a good look at a representation of an Easter bunny and what they saw horrified them. The fur of the Easter bunny, you see, was white, which infuriated them. Releasing a blistering Easter statement from her $6 million mansion, BLM co-founder Patrisse Cullors said: “Where are the brown rabbits? That’s right, they’re the ones you EAT! The white bunnies kids see are the fun ones, the ones hopping around and leaving Easter eggs…

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Note: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. Parents were outraged after the White House Easter egg hunt when the kids cracked the eggs open and, rather than finding candy, the kids found free crack pipe kits and pamphlets about why they should become transgender and start taking hormone blockers. An anonymous White House official, speaking out about the issue on the condition of anonymity, had this to say: “Well, inflation has made candy so expensive that we just didn’t know what to do. $5 for a small pack of Kit-Kats? Give me a break. We asked Biden…

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NOTE: This is satire, not fact. Treat it as such. It’s Easter at the White House and, miraculously able to wake up enough to scarf down his morning oatmeal and participate in the weekend’s activities, President Biden participated in the White House Easter Egg Hunt. Deeming his mind about as capable as that of a typical 6-year-old, Jill allowed him to participate after a healthy 27 doses of stimulants to ensure that he could stay awake for the entire event, meant to last about 15 minutes. Predictably, it went badly for Slow Joe and the White House team. With the…

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