NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Biden’s Ministry of Truth is already back on the case of finding out which dissidents it can possibly lock up and has set its sites on Fox News, viewing that supposedly conservative news outlet as the perfect target: going after Fox, it thought, would be a brilliant way to show some muscle without risking getting the wrong people angry. So, it did so, pulling together a team and spending hour upon hour, day after day scouring all that Fox wrote and listening to all that…
Author: will
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The demographic support for Biden’s “student loan forgiveness” plan is quite surprising, with certain groups and people who majored in certain, traditionally liberal activities far less likely to support the plan than one might expect. In fact, according to the recent data and polling, it turns out the gender studies majors, African art and culture majors, LGTBQIAZXYC poetry and studies majors, and even underwater basket weaving majors are all less likely than one might expect to support the plan. While true for all genders, that’s…
NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things are getting so crazy thanks to inflation that now even low-cost “restaurants” like Pizza Hut and Domino’s have been forced to make accommodations, offering a layaway option for those who want to order a pizza but can’t thanks to the currently high price of fake cheese, grease, and pepperoni. Discussing that move, a joint venture between the two pizza titans and JP Morgan, the head of the project said: “Yes, yes, we realize this might strike some of you as ridiculous. Who wants to…
NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things got weird with the FBI on Friday, when Director of the FBI Christopher Wray had to once more step into the breach and deal with a chaotic situation at the Bureau caused by its biases. What happened, you see, was that the FBI went to work trying to entrap patriots again, doing what it did with the conservatives involved with the supposed Gretchen Whitmer kidnapping plot, only on a larger and more geographically diverse scale. The problem, however, was that the FBI didn’t account…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The breaking news of the day, or “current thing” as some might deride it on Twitter, is that Swiss police found about half a ton of cocaine in a coffee shipment from Brazil to the Nespresso plant in western Switzerland. What’s missing from most tellings of the story is perhaps the most interesting detail, which is that the cocaine was part of another one of Hunter Biden’s infamous business deals, this one for a specialty brand of Nespresso pods called “cartel coffee”, a partnership between…
NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Elon decided to play yet another joke on the woke establishment Thursday afternoon, taking to Twitter to mess with former Fox News host and soon-to-be-former CNN host Chris Wallace, offering him a job at Twitter as a Twitter live host. Not really knowing what that meant but needing a job and unable to find one anywhere else, Wallace agreed to the job offer so long as, in addition to his salary, he received a new pair of horn-rimmed glasses and WASPy-looking ties that might have…
NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Bill Martin might look like a normal farmer, but he isn’t. From the moment he takes off his sweat-stained Budweiser hat and exposes his blue hair and tattoed forehead, it’s obvious what sets him apart from other farmers: he’s woke. Very woke. So woke, in fact, that he actually believed the nonsense preached by the local “Farmers for Anti-Racism, Anti-Fat Shaming, and Anti-Transphobia” chapter commissar, an agender person who goes by the name “Toni”. Toni, speaking about the concept of gender last winter, told Bill…
NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Relations between Team Biden and the FBI soured over the past weekend due to a Delaware snafu. The FBI, you see, recently decided to drop a few entrapment schemes after the Whitmer one didn’t work out the way it intended, so it had time to actually start looking into crimes rather than just ignoring whatever real criminals were doing and setting MAGA patriots up instead. So, with its newfound time, it decided to investigate reports of a creepy old man sniffing children and swimming in…
NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things got even more heated at the FBI headquarters than usual on Tuesday when America’s paper of note, the New York Post, posted a story that boldly claimed that the FBI had already been working with Biden’s new Ministry of Truth to frame patriot groups for crimes. In the article, the anonymous author (so as to prevent FBI/Ministry of Truth targeting and harassment until the author could make it safely to Switzerland) made this claim: “So far, what’s happened is that the FBI has sent…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things got awkward after Joy Behar’s delusional idea that if she goes on a sex strike, men will change their opinion on abortion laws…or something. She said (and this isn’t satire, unfortunately): “Women in the world have conducted sex strikes in history. In 2003, a sex strike helped to end Liberia’s brutal civil war. The woman who started it was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. In Kenya, they forced a sex ban until fighting ceased. In one week, there was a stable government. We have more power…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Elon got tired of the criticism about his purchase of Twitter and, being unable to handle it any longer, snapped and decided to just go ahead and kick all those that criticized him not off of Twitter, where he had vowed to protect free speech, but out of their Teslas, about which he’d made no such pledge. So, getting furious at all the unfair and obviously lie-filled propaganda about him and his purchase of the social media giant, Elon called his top software engineers into the conference…
Note: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Team Biden, in a pre-2022 midterms, hail Mary effort to get some sort of positive talk about Biden going, decided to take its cigarette banning efforts to the next level and not just ban menthols, but all cigarettes. So, trundling Dr. Fauci out once again, Team Biden did away with one of the last vestiges of the mid-20th century, America’s time of greatness, in the hope of a popularity coup, getting an ever happy to be on TV Dr. Fauci to say: “Here’s the deal,…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Senator “Little Marco” Rubio went on a high-risk, high-reward mission into the belly of the beast over the past month, infiltrating Disney to figure out what weird stuff the executives there were up to. How? By dressing up as one of the seven dwarves that accompanied Snow White (who’s now, funnily enough, a black trans man in the upcoming Disney remake) and infiltrating the park, simply tossing on some raggedy clothes and following the black, trans man version of Snow White around the parks day after day,…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Liz Warren, or as Trump called her, Pocahontas, had a bit of a meltdown about abortion outside of the Supreme Court the other day. Unable to keep it together or keep it professional, she went completely and utterly berserk. And, unfortunately for Pocahontas, every bit of her insane meltdown was caught on camera, with numerous leftists filming the spectacle thinking that they were raising awareness for the cause or otherwise being helpful in doing so. But, in fact, they weren’t being helpful to Liz. Not at all,…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things got awkward on Tuesday when confirmed “democracy” enthusiast Lyin’ Liz Warren went berserk at the idea that, with Justice Alito’s abortion opinion in Dobbs, the whole abortion issue might be left to state-level voters. Apparently, democracy is only a good thing if it means people ignorantly bad federal legislators that ram through pork that makes them look good while bankrupting the nation, or putting some rotting eggplant in the presidential office that can hardly think about much more than how much he likes oatmeal and what Matlock…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things got awkward when Bill Gates and Elon Musk saw each other at the Met Gala the other night. Their interaction started off poorly from the start, mainly because of Elon’s joke that Bill Gates looks like a pregnant man, a joke inspired by Bill Gates’s odd current look, the left’s insane drift toward wokeness, and Gates’ refusal to stop shorting Tesla despite it being the main company producing electric vehicles that consumers want. https://twitter.com/elonmusk/status/1517707521343082496 Well, things went from faux pas to fisticuffs relatively quickly after Elon,…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things got decidedly weird at the Met Gala the other night, with creepy celebrities and public figures showing up dressed in outfits ranging from the tasteful and classy (Elon Mus), to the decidedly creepy, with more veering toward the creepy side of things than the in any way what normal people would wear to a white-tie event side of things. Between the odd costumes of some of the guests and the spectacle of Hillary Clinton in a massive dress with no mask on while a masked servant…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Kids around the country have caught onto the woke “identity” game and are playing along with the pernicious ideology of their woke teachers, though not in the way the blue-haired rainbow wavers expected. Rather, the kids that teachers hoped to turn woke are instead using wokeness against them, identifying as children from Florida so that their teachers have to educate them about the alphabet and arithmetic rather than the beauty that comes from castration. Cases of such identity adoption have been particularly high in red areas of…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. While much of the attention on the Alito opinion leak has so far centered on the Alito opinion leak, things are escalating and this issue is taking precedence over Russia’s invasion of a certain county in Eastern Europe, so everyone with a possible grievance to moan about is trying to hop on board the abortion train so they can feel validated in complaining. One such interest group is the “pregnant men” demographic, one that didn’t used to exist until recently but now only far-right reactionaries deny the…
NOTE: This is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki demurred from doing her usual refuse to answer while pretending she’ll circle back routine during the May 3rd press briefing and instead jumped right to the point, explaining what she thinks that liberals upset by the Alito opinion on abortion to do. She was forced to speak on that after FNC White House correspondent Peter Doocy asked “So, what level of a meltdown can we on the right expect from the left, Jen? Are we talking the usual weeping and gnashing…