Author: will

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. A recent Bigfoot sighting has taken the internet by storm, with this one appearing more real than ever thanks to the apparel Bigfoot is wearing in the typically grainy footage. Based on the nearly 1 minute long video posted to Twitter and Facebook by noted Bigfoot researcher Dr. Trevor Bavis, it appears that Bigfoot is now sporting an “FJB” t-shirt that includes a picture of President Joe Biden staring off into the distance with his mouth wide open. Commenting on the shocking video in a…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The governing body that presides over international swimming competitions, FINA, recently updated its guidance for transgender swimmers, deciding to treat people who transition as their gender at age 12 for purposes of gendered competition, finding that that was the only fair way to handle the issue because of puberty and how it changes the body during one’s teenage years. For an example of why that’s necessary, just look at the obvious female Lia Thomas. Her bulging muscles, among other bulges, are obvious signs of her…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. During a now-infamous moment in the Amber Heard and Johnny Depp trial, it came out that Ms. Heard had, at one point, pooped in Johnny Depp’s bed, or at least that Mr. Depp blamed her for a pile of “human fecal matter” found on his side of the bed. Depp, describing that sickening incident, said: “I had received some news,” Depp said. “I was shown a picture of what the problem was. I had gone to Mr. Bett and said, ‘She’s at Coachella. I think…

NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The CIA has again waded into the American political scene in a desperate attempt to make Biden and his leftist allies look better, this time using what remaining credibility it has to try and convince the most gullible Americans that Biden fell over when on his bike not because he’s senile and clumsy but because his bike was a KGB plant meant to make him look bad. Yes, that’s really the line they are pushing now. News on that came from the director of the…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Will Democrats ever be able to teach Republicans to hate rather than love Donald Trump, leader of the MAGA movement, GOP kingmaker, and the definite patriot that fights for them whatever the circumstances? Well, they won a few small victories, convincing such shining stars of conservatism as Jonah Goldberg and Liz Cheney to hate Trump and side with the left and its propagandists on cultural issues. Other than that, however, the left’s war for convincing the GOP to hate Trump has so far been a…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things have gotten awkward for Brian “The Potato” Stelter, who was recently laid off in CNN’s thorough round of cost cuts and layoffs meant to remind employees that 1) they are employees, not liberal gods among men and 2) that they need to get with the new management’s program, which means they need to do what management wants. And what is it that management wants? For them to do a good job at their jobs and stop being so obviously partisan that literally no one…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. A not so shocking poll conducted by Rasmussen over the past month and a half, fortunately taking place as the debate over abortion has raged all the louder, found that those most likely to support killing babies via abortion, even in the sickening “procedure” they refer to as “post-birth abortion”, are those who spat on soldiers returning home from the Vietnam War and referred to those brave soldiers as “baby killers.” In fact, the poll found that of the Americans who vociferously support abortion “rights”,…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. America used to be the “sweet land of liberty”. As the first stanza of the song America (My Country, ‘Tis of Thee) goes: “My country, ’tis of thee, Sweet land of liberty, Of thee I sing; Land where my fathers died, Land of the pilgrims’ pride, From ev’ry mountainside Let freedom ring!” But now that song can no longer be sung because of one of the first words in it: liberty. That’s right, the Democrats, acting on impulse after watching hours of footage from the January…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. How unpopular is Biden? So unpopular that normally tame and happy grandmothers around the nation are having to change up their interior decor, replacing the ubiquitous “live, laugh, love” signs that dominate so many middle-class American homes, particularly in the Midwest, replacing them with now equally ubiquitous “FJB” and “Let’s Go Brandon” flags, spending what little they have left after Bidenflation to protest the disaster wrought by the senile Commander in Chief. Bethany Albright, a 75-year-old, white resident of Akron, spoke to us about the…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Barron Trump is finally 16 years old and thus able to drive, but, frustratingly for the young man, simply can’t afford to do so thanks to Bidenflation and the disastrous fuel and gas policies of the Biden regime. Speaking on that to Tucker on Fox News, Barron said: “Yeah, I mean my dad is very wealthy, which is great, but he wants me to learn the value of money so he said that he’d buy me whatever car I wanted but I would have to…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Who is it that is behind the recent push for gun control in DC, demanding that Americans hand over their guns and leave themselves defenseless and open to the predations of any who might want to take advantage of them? Turns out, though the Democrat politicians are the ones mainly involved in pushing the gun control demand, they’re not the ones who are really behind the idea that American citizens should disarm themselves because a few tragedies made people sad. Rather, the idea appears to…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The woke Walmart executives decided to end their company’s relationship with Mike Lindell’s MyPillow on Wednesday, June 15th, booting the wonderful, sleep-inducing pillows from its shelves in a shocking management decision sure to hurt the company’s already struggling profit margins. When asked why the company would cancel such a popular, wonderful product, executives tried to brush off shareholder questions by claiming that the decision was a “matter of ratings.” Tina Turner, a graduate of Oberlin College and product picker for the woke company, gave a…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. It was recently announced that Dr. Fauci, Covid bureaucrat and tyrant extraordinaire, had gotten diagnosed with Covid despite his many vaccinations and constant theatrical masking, getting a mild case of the virus he did so much to freak out about in the heady days of 2020 and 2021. The NIH announced that he got Covid despite his two original jab doses and later two boosters, saying, on its website: Today, Anthony S. Fauci, M.D., director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID),…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Hunter Biden, as dignified and reasonable as ever, appeared on CNN to talk with Brian Stelter in what was meant to be an image rehabilitation interview, one that would make him look good and his enemies back off. It didn’t go well. Things started to go off the rails when Hunter, who by this point had been away from his beloved crack pipe for over 30 minutes and thus had a hankering for some crack, started getting touchy and responding to Stelter with ever meaner…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Well, Mitch “the Turtle” McConnell is at it again, once again backing down to Democrats in exchange for nothing of real value, trading away whatever negotiation power he has in exchange for fleeting, ultimately meaningless “rewards” from cynical, power hungry Democrats. This time he did so on the issue of gun control, backing down to the Democrats and letting them determine what gun control laws should be put into effect in the wake of the Uvalde shooting, letting Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer right whatever…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. How badly does President Joe Biden want to get gun control laws so radical they weren’t even considered under Obama passed? Very, very badly, as it’s the one thing that his dementia-addled brain is able to focus on right now, and thus the only thing that he’s committed to making happen in the foreseeable future. So it’s what he’s focusing on and his attempts to affect it as Republican support for his policies wavers due to grassroots pushback are getting crazier than ever. In fact,…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Always ready to take advantage of market crashes to supply businesses with cheap, ready, and willing labor, whether those crashes be in the stock market or jobs market, online jobs company “Glassdoor” quickly reacted to the recent crash in the stock and crypto market to swipe up the newly updated resumes of a flood of young laborers, ready connect them with fast food restaurants, warehouses, and delivery services in desperate need of workers, correctly figuring that the new crop of unemployed, broke applicants was too…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Are you a mediocre male athlete that wants to start dominating whatever your given sport (other than figure skating, cheerleading, diving, or gymnastics) is? Well then a few brave explorers of humanity’s stupidity have found your answer: just say you’re a woman! That strategy, first a weightlifting joke made by conservative British rapper Zuby and now something that people like “Leah” Thomas actually do is not, is one that has taken the American sports scene by storm, particularly collegiate athletics. In fact, it’s turned into…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Elon Musk, back when it looked like his Twitter deal might be on hold as dealt with wrangling the company into sending him the necessary information on bots and got employees to start cooperating and stop fighting him on every issue, decided to show that he was keeping his options open by offering to buy all of CNN for $1. Yes, it wouldn’t have used up as much of his cash as the $43 billion Twitter offer, but he felt it was still a realistic…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. How are things going over at the much disliked and much mocked Biden Administration? Weirdly, now that some hapless staffer has informed the president that the price of ice cream, particularly his no frills favorite–vanilla–has been increasing precipitously thanks to the Bidenflation crisis. In fact, things got so weird and heated after Biden was told that unfortunate fact about the price of ice creaming that he went on an absolute tear about the inflation crisis, surprisingly blaming everyone, even himself. Responding to the intern or…