NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. AOC has, despite her very public feuds with Elon of his wealth, her vapidity, and whether Americans trust oligarchs or idiotic politicians more, decided to keep her Tesla for the time being and keep driving Elon’s brain child around town while feuding with him on Twitter. Or, at least, that’s what she wanted to do and tried to do. Things didn’t go so well, however, when she decided to pull into a gas station to grab a soy latte and, not thinking about what she…
Author: will
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Madison Cawthorn, shortly before being attacked by the establishment and then losing his reelection race, sounded off on the degeneracy in D.C., saying: “The sexual perversion that goes on in Washington … being kind of a young guy in Washington, where the average age is probably 60 or 70 — [you] look at all these people, a lot of them that I’ve looked up to through my life, I’ve always paid attention to politics. … Then all of a sudden you get invited — ‘We’re…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. What’s Bill Gates doing now that most Americans have reacted with horror at the idea that they’re supposed to start eating grasshoppers and mealworms rather than beef and pork, at least if they listen to the World Economic Forum? Rather than try harder to convince people that eating the bugs is a good thing, Gates is instead, acting on his computer-programmer instincts, trying to program them to do so. How? By having a little box pop up every time they open a Microsoft product that…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. What’s Team Biden doing with its second year in power? Why, enriching the Biden Brood, of course! You see, Congress has kept passing larger and larger aid packages for a certain country in Eastern Europe that Google won’t allow us to name if we want to monetize this article. Hunter Biden, an amateur porn star, investor, lawyer, and energy company expert, used to work in that certain, corrupt country in Eastern Europe. In fact, he made quite the pretty penny doing whatever exactly was that…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Attempting to make a point about the importance of gun control and the danger of “assault rifles” that America wouldn’t soon forget, President Joe Biden brought an AR-15 to the Oval Office on Wednesday night and started randomly firing into the ceiling and at the walls, turning the room into a complete mess. That, at least, is the story coming from a leak within the White House, a leak which is likely either VP Kamala Harris attempting to discredit Joe Biden or a frustrated Secret…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Apple Corp., seeking to celebrate pride month across the globe, decided to celebrate it in China by replacing the normal, dismal, greyish-black suicide nets installed around the Foxconn factories in China with cheerier, pro-gay, rainbow-colored suicide nets to catch workers attempting to jump to their deaths because of horrible factory conditions. Apple CEO Tim Cook, cheering the move during a recent press conference, said: “Look, I understand that some of you don’t like the optics, that you think we should be focusing on improving factory…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Amber Heard just lost to Johnny Depp in a big way in the trial between the two obviously crazy actors, with Depp netting about 10 million dollars (before lawyer fees, of course. Those will cut deep). Taking after her friend and political idol, Hillary Clinton, Heard decided not to back down and admit that she lost in a graceful manner, which is what both women should have done. But, getting emotional after the defeat, the obviously insane Heard instead decided to…you guessed it, blame Russia!…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Nike, not content with simply changing its social media logos to rainbow versions of the same logos (except in the Middle East, of course) for Pride Month this year, decided to kick things up a notch and start producing rainbow sneakers that it would, of course, sell for a very healthy profit. So it sent executive Ron Reynolds over to the company’s string of sweatshops in Malaysia and Vietnam to tell the managers of them that, in the name of human rights and protecting those…
NOTE: Other than the USMC tweet, the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The Marines, looking back at the war in Afghanistan, disaster in Iraq, hellhole that was Syria, catastrophe in Yemen, and utter US failure in the Philippines and, after weeks of wargaming and months of research, realized what they had done wrong: they hadn’t been gay enough. So, seeking to correct that to deter Putler and Xi, they posted this: https://twitter.com/USMC/status/1531994393950953472 That’ll teach ’em! Word has it that China’s Xi immediately called off his Taiwanese invasion plans, retreated to the…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Nancy Pelosi’s husband, the one who executes her insider-trading-based stock trades and makes the family all of its money, just got arrested for driving under the influence following a crash near the couple’s Napa Valley vineyard. Pelosi’s office initially refused to comment, saying that it was a private matter and that neither Nancy nor any of her staffers would be commenting on it, as it didn’t relate to her political goals, agenda, or actions. Fair enough, if a bit of a boring response. But that…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Team Biden announced Monday night that Biden, trying to do “his part” to “rescue America’s puppies” announced that it had adopted a chocolate lab named Ranger from the local animal shelter. Twitter quickly took to making fun of what it saw as being not an attempt to save a dog but an attempt at boosting Biden in the polls with yet another photo op of him with a cute dog, as Ranger really was quite cute, but things took a weird turn when it was…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Following the tragedy in Uvalde, Texas, Americans of every stripe and political affiliation are looking for answers. Not only do they want to know why it happened and how such a tragedy could happen, they also want to know how to stop such events from happening in the future. AOC, the entirely estimable representative from New York, believes she has the answer: according to her, the mass shooting problem can be solved not with gun control, armed school guards, or better locks on doors. No,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. New York City recently put up pro-drug use posters that described using fentanyl as “empowering”. Featuring a “girl-boss” black woman (as if that’s not racist), the posters proudly proclaim “Don’t be ashamed you are using, be empowered that you are using safely.” The posters then went on to give a list of tips about how to more safely use fentanyl. Excited by how many New Yorkers had started “safely” using the hard drug, New York City decided to expand the program to all drugs, not…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. News just broke that Clinton Campaign lawyer Michael Sussmann, the guy who lied to the FBI about his connections to the Clinton Campaign and passed them the false information about Trump and Alfa Bank that led to the FBI’s investigation of Trump for being tied to Russia, a lie that took years to unravel and doomed our relationship with the Eastern Bear, had wiggled off the hook. Wondering how Sussmann possibly managed to avoid being convicted, Durham did a bit of digging and found what…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Klaus Schwab, cognizant of the fact that almost no one watches the live streams of World Economic Forum speeches and events, decided to go wild in his speech last Saturday to cap off the Davos-based summit, saying: “Yes, many have started waking up to our grasshopper and mealworm-based food replacement strategies. I know that and understand that a rising chorus of voices are worried, though I would dispute the idea that there is anything at all with eating crickets. They are delicious, better for the…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. What’s the scariest job one could have in the 21st Century, a time where robots do many of the non-martial dangerous jobs and government mandates and regulations have made many workplaces safer than ever? It’s not the job you’d expect. No, though being a coal-miner, logger, or police officer is dangerous, as are jobs like being a firefighter, private military contractor, or working in “waste management” in the Northeast, the most dangerous job in America is being a friend or associate of Hillary Clinton. Ralph…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Furious at having been turned into punching bags by people mad at them for not immediately recognizing that saving children would be the right call, the head of the Uvalde police force gave a Memorial Day speech in which he said: “Listen up, folks, because this is important. Okay, so here it is: I see a lot of Monday Morning Quarterbacks out there, a whole lot of people who are saying that they would have known, had they been in our place, that neutralizing a…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Joe Biden (or, more likely, one of his handlers), decided that he would host a live-streamed, FDR-style “fireside chat” on gun violence and gun control on Sunday night, during which he would speak about his plans to ban AR-15s. Predictably, though Biden was able to get through the first ten minutes or so well enough, things began to go downhill once the stimulants wore off and his three or so brain cells were left to function on their own. At that point, he said:…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Former President Barack Obama, using his platform on Twitter to speak out about the necessity of remembering “true heroes” on Memorial Day, decided to challenge his fellow Americans to remember George Floyd and his sacrifice during a speech he posted on Facebook as a live video. Sitting in his Hawaii mansion and sipping on a daiquiri while slamming “white privilege,” the former president said: “My fellow Americans, today is, as Vice President Harris said, the Monday off of a long weekend. I hope you enjoy…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Most people who have read anything about the situation in Uvalde are furious with how the police acted, with how they responded to the massacre in the school not by quickly and swiftly neutralizing the untrained, crazed gunman, but rather by simply sitting around for an hour as he slaughtered children. Criticism has hit them from the left and right, with nearly everyone furious that they did nothing as children were murdered. But one government has stepped in to try and cheer them up with…