NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Taking action to try and get Herschel Walker booted to the curb in the final moments of the Georgia Senate runoff race and ensure that Warnock was able to keep GA blue, in the Senate, at least, the far-left radicals in the Democratic party decided to pull a party trick out of their “I’m with Her” hats: the handed out Warnock-branded crack pipes to Atlanta’s many crackheads to get the final few votes needed. Announcing the strategy on Twitter, the DNC said: “In Atlanta and…
Author: will
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things went less than well for the Team Brandon presidency on Monday when, with the Hunter Biden story finally breaking fully open on his Twitter feed now that Elon has cut the hydra heads off the Deep State regime’s censorship campaign, President Slow Joe Biden finally found out that Hunter’s laptop was real, not just GOP agitprop, and tumbled down the stairs of Air Force One. The Secret Service agents at the base of the stairs were quick to catch him, surround him, push him…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Taking major action to dig even deeper into the hilarious mess that is the Hunter Biden scandal now that he and his friends at the Babylon Bee can say whatever they want about it on Twitter, Tesla CEO, Twitter troll, visionary entrepreneur, and new Twitter owner CEO just added yet another company to his holdings: the computer shop that repaired Hunter Biden’s laptops and ended up getting them to the Republicans before 2020. Commenting on that decision to buy the shop, Elon said “Well, like,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Former President Donald Trump recently made a bold call for a changed approach to dealing with election fraud and voter fraud in a post on Truth Social, saying that we need to go so far as to terminate the Constitution so that his 2020 loss, one many believe to be the result of interference from Twitter, can be avenged. As he put it: So, with the revelation of MASSIVE & WIDESPREAD FRAUD & DECEPTION in working closely with Big Tech Companies, the DNC, & the…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Taking action to stop falling cryptocurrency prices and attempt to restore some liquidity for Sam Bankman-Fried’s FTX as it collapses under the weight of all the money SBF stole from it and regulators probing its books, President Joe Biden and SBF united for a press conference in which they announced the creation and release of “ice cream coin”. Describing the new cryptocurrency in utterly undecipherable mumbo jumbo as Brandon nodded along and Dr. Jill attempted to feed him blueberries, SBF said: “Now this is a…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Embarking on yet another highly embarrassing (for his father and family, at least) venture involving a little bit of “Columbian bam bam”, Hunter Biden was just caught attempting to smuggle a literal boatload of cocaine into Florida. Piloting the cartel-owned cigar boat, Hunter crashed the craft off the coast of Miami and was spotted by a Coast Guard helicopter with a glass of French red in one hand and a bag of…Columbian white in another. Apparently, he had overindulged in both and forgotten to check…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things got even worse in terms of optics for the Biden Administration on Wednesday evening when, in an attempt to look “cool” and “hip” for a new Team Biden ad called “Shredding It Up: A Day in the Life of the Young People Keeping America Running” meant to highlight all the non-elderly and senile folks in the administration, Mayor Pete Buttigieg fell off his skateboard, scraped his knee, and started crying. The ad hasn’t yet been released and probably never will be, but details on…
NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Taking a big leap into the realm of woke warfighting this week, Team Biden’s woke military commanders decided to make a huge update in our arsenal: from now on, America’s bombs and missile warheads will be made not with high-explosives, but with “pronoun based destructive devices.” It wasn’t immediately clear what the administration meant by that, as there are so far no known deadly weapons that rely on “pronouns”, or indeed many non-bludgeon weapons that rely on anything other than gunpowder, nuclear fission, high explosives,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. In an event that was utterly unshocking to anyone who’s been paying attention to what’s been going on with President Slow Joe Brandon, his nasty ice cream habit, and his inability to even semi-function when out in public and off his meds for more than a few minutes at a time, President Biden just crashed the presidential limo while attempting to drive it to get ice cream. The White House hushed up the incident, saying that a Secret Service agent crashed it after swerving to…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. In a shocking new video that shows the lengths Kamala will go to quench her nearly insatiable thirst for power, Vice President Kamala Harris can be seen trying to discreetly drop a banana peel on the steps of Air Force One in the path of President Slow Joe Biden, who she was walking directly in front of. The video, taken the day after Thanksgiving as the two travelled back to DC from a trip meant to garner some goodwill from around the country on Thanksgiving,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. According to our source within the White House, the turkey traditionally pardoned on Thanksgiving by the president was set to be executed this year instead of being pardoned as a warning to the January 6th political prisoners and to keep costs down as raging inflation ravages the White House budget. However, it was able to escape that fate thanks to a well-timed and quite generous bribe to Hunter Biden, the recovering crackhead and longtime bagman of the Biden family who is the son of the…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Americans in DC that flocked to the fence surrounding the White House on Thanksgiving morning in the hope of seeing President Slow Joe Brandon do something dumb were in for an extra special treat and had something extra to be thankful for when, out of the blue, Brandon wandered outside in his bathrobe with an Easter basket and started hiding both loose candies and Easter eggs under the bushes and trees on the lawn. Confused, people thought it was a prank and started nervously laughing,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. After deciding that splitting the party by fighting out a 2024 primary battle would not be a good decision or help anyone, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis and President Donald Trump decided to settle their dispute in what seemed like the best way possible: by finding out who the left hated more and then letting that person run. First, they had to decide who best represented “the left.” Joe Biden seemed too senile and out of it to get a good opinion from, Kamala Harris was…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Trump was frequently mocked by the left during his presidency for his focus on the new Air Force One planes, which he wanted painted in a specific way to look better than the current Air Force One. He also haggled with Boeing officials and got them to lower the price of the plane by twisting their arms on the subject and getting them to shave off about $1 billion. Well, at least Trump’s meddling in the Air Force One boondoggle was productive: Team Brandon…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Dr. Jill Biden, Brandon’s wife and effectively his nurse, was out of town visiting some friends over the weekend and had left her senile husband in the care of his security detail. Biden, who asked why “his nurse” was leaving when Dr. Jill left, was told that she had to “get him some ice cream.” Acting quickly to curb his disappointment after the hours came and went without Dr. Jill returning with ice cream, the security detail rummaged up some big drums of ice cream…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. In what is now a constant cycle for the GOP, hopes of winning minorities over to the party were largely smashed during midterms, with the “we’re gonna win so many Hispanic and black votes because Democrats are the real racists” people being proven wrong…again…as they have been in like every normal election. Most in the more conservative, right-wing side of the party saw this coming. Ben Rogers, a frequent reader and GOP pundit from Montana, said: “Yeah, I mean it’s just ridiculous. It’s white people…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Former President Donald J. Trump is back on Twitter, with Elon letting him on after the conclusion of a “yuge” Twitter poll in which 13 million people voted about whether the former president should be allowed back on the flaming dumpster fire of an app or not. Because it was a Twitter poll rather than an American election, there was no last minute dump of mail in votes, and so Trump won handily with 54 percent of the vote. Elon duly instructed the censors (two…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. You might think that after a very humiliating midterm loss that saw the Democrats steal an election right from under Republican noses in some states (cough, Arizona, cough, Maricopa County voting machines going down for 49 minutes made the difference between Lake and Hobbs, cough) or just besting Republicans that ran horrible, horrible, no good, very bad candidates (looking at you, anti-Trump loser in Colorado whose name isn’t important enough to remember), you might think that the GOP leadership would start taking things more seriously…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. How are things going in the Biden White House? Well, yet again, they’re tense. Quite tense. This time it’s because Brandon accidentally let it slip that Kamala won’t be with him on the 2024 ticket because Americans find her “horrible.” According to one of our sources within the White House, Brandon, speaking with Kamala about his “favorite color of oranges”, accidentally told her about the decision that Dr. Jill had made to boot her from the ticket, saying: “Look, Kam..Kamla, yeah, Kamlay, whatever…well, thing is,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Former President Donald Trump announced that he would be running for president yet again during a high-profile Mar-a-Lago presser last night, saying: “This will not be my campaign. This will be our campaign altogether.” “Together we will be taking on the most corrupt forces and entrenched interests imaginable. Our country is in a horrible state.” “We’re in grave trouble. This is not a task for a politician or a conventional candidate is a task for a great movement that embodies the courage confidence and the…