Author: will

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Slow Joe Biden recently made waves by announcing that his administration would be subsidizing the ice cream industry, declaring that the sugary treat would receive a dollar per gallon subsidy so that all Americans could afford to have it whenever they wanted and keep their calorie count up as food gets more expensive. Following up on that, Biden’s press secretary attempted to make the program look like something other than just a blatant attempt to keep the Biden family’s costs down by subsidizing the…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell, Senate Minority Leader and the guy who many argue is the leader of the RINO and Conservative, Inc. Establishment in the GOP Caucus, recently said the quiet part out loud by accident and let it slip that he wanted the GOP to lose the midterms to make his life easier. That came when he was a bit drunk at a DC area cocktail party, having had more to drink than his usual one glass of chardonnay (according to our source, he…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Following his recent, huge victory in Florida’s gubernatorial race, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has been making it seem like he plans on running in 2024. His PAC has been reactivated, he’s making his name known nationally, he’s been skirmishing with Trump. It looks like a fight could be on. However, though DeSantis is cheered endlessly by regime GOP media, particularly Fox News, he’s had a hard time breaking about the ~25 percent level of support, much less be the first pick of about half the…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Following up on its decision to open the border up as wide as possible and let whatever and whoever wants to flow across to do so, Team Biden has decided to “improve health outcomes” for “narcotics using individuals in inner city communities” by providing “safe, clean, and free crack pipes” to those communities. Speaking on that, some random staffer that Team Brandon trotted out to speak about the policy and then disappear back into the ether and hidden folds of power so that its main…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Slow Joe Brandon, Resident in Chief of America and the jelly-brained dolt with the nuclear football, just decided that now’s the time to offer a deal and try to get back Brittney Griner, the WNBA “star” arrested by the Russkies when she tried to smuggle weed into the country. Since the Russians aren’t woke and have decided to actually enforce their laws, Brittney the crackhead was locked up by Putler and shipped off to a hard labor camp where she can crush rocks while…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Following the news that the Georgia Senate race would be headed to a runoff as the Peach State’s voters decide whether they want the black schizo who held a gun to his wife’s head or the black schizo that’s probably a communist and ran over his ex-wife to represent them in the “aristocratic branch” of the legislature (I’m sure all the descendant’s of Dixie’s greatest men feel very represented by those two), President Biden decided to give a speech in favor of Sen. Raphael Warnock,…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Speaking to reporters for the first time in days after emerging from the White House basement in the morning, America’s senile Resident-in-Chief, President Slow Joe Biden, blamed Cornpop, who he reminded everyone is a “bad dude” for Democrat defeats across the country on Tuesday, saying: “Look, folks, a lot of people are blaming my team, my…uhhhhhh..you know, folks, Jack, well, you know…the thing. Administramataion! They’re…anyway, they’re blaming us for a few setbacks in these big races. “It’s only dog faced pony soldiers that say that…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things must have been awkward in the White House on Monday thanks to President Slow Joe Biden and his lack of comprehension regarding topical political subjects: in the runup to midterms, Joe, hoping to score some easy points on social media, posted a link to a story about Hunter’s laptop from hell and promised to “hold all those involved in this corruption accountable.” In the series of tweets, which were quickly deleted after someone with a functioning brain in the White House realized what Biden…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such.  Following up on his decision to start charging $8 a month for Twitter verification and making it more widely available to the general public rather than just very high-profile people and regime media toadies, Twitter’s new owner, Elon Musk, decided that moving forward those who put “they/them” in their Twitter bio will be charged $16 a month rather than $8 a month for verification. Defending the move in a Twitter thread full of memes, mostly of the dogecoin dog demanding $16 in dogecoin from Bruce…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Continuing on his democracy kick following the infamous speech given in front of the Marines in their dress blues and red lighting, America’s Resident in Chief, President Slow Joe Biden, decided that it was high time the powers that be decide to redefine “our democracy” to mean something else. In fact, Biden decided to offer a suggestion on how to redefine it halfway through a rambling speech about not just “our democracy” but about how the “fascists in the GOP” want to “destroy freedom and…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The crazies were out in force over the past week, claiming with no evidence whatsoever that Paul Pelosi, husband of Nancy Pelosi, was not viciously assaulted in his room on the third story of a home protected by the Capitol Police by a man who, despite being a nudist, illegal immigrant living in a bus with a BLM flag hanging near it, was really a Q-believing, Trump-worshipping, hitman. Instead, they fancifully maintain, Paul Pelosi was doing something a bit…gayer with the man who allegedly assaulted…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. If you ever want to find a Cheney, or another person of their ilk, just look to where power is, then move a few steps to the side to whatever the most powerful office is that doesn’t really require being a likeable person to anyone outside of the DC Beltway. A Congressman in a state where challengers could, up till Liz went full liberal, be convinced to look elsewhere? Perfect. Sec Def, VP, or some other Deep State role? Dick did it all. A scummy…

NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Many of you will remember back when the Biden family brought Major Biden, their German Shepard, to the White House, but Major quickly had to be sent home because of some alleged biting incidents. In case you don’t remember, however, here’s what the AP reported at the time: President Joe Biden’s younger dog Major this week was involved in his second biting incident of the month, the White House said Tuesday. The dog “nipped someone while on a walk” on Monday, said Michael LaRosa, press…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. It’s not just the middle and lower classes that are hurting under the current Bidenflation regime, struggling to make paychecks that haven’t kept up with inflation match their rising costs and painfully large expenses. In fact, even the President of the United States, El Sleepimissimmo Joe Biden, is hurting in the wallet thanks to the current inflation regime, struggling to keep up with the painful price increases the United States has seen under the nearly two years of his presidency, unable to pay even basic…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. In a recent speech, President Slow Joe Biden was once again unable to complete a sentence after speaking for approximately 15 minutes. He had yelled about how the “semi-fascists” were upset that “our democracy” had used apparatchiks within the NSA and CIA to censor and silence them throughout 2020 for most of the speech, though about 7 minutes in he took a brief (about 2 minute) detour to rant about how Cornpop was planning on using an uncensored Twitter to “hang out at a pool…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Please treat it as such. In what might be the worst thing to happen to the Pelosi family’s finances since Nasty Nancy discovered Cirac vodka tastes like juice if you have two liters or more of it a day, Paul Pelosi, her stock-picking husband, was just “attacked” inside his home. Well, that’s at least what the “highly respected reporters” and “experts” who enlightened us about those WMDs in Iraq, Russian collusion, and the January 6th “insurrection” are saying. The real news appears to be that Paul Pelosi was home…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things at the White House took a cheery, cheery turn when, following Democratic Senate candidate John Fetterman’s utterly horrible performance during the debate with Dr. Oz, who somehow managed to look like a good choice when compared to the stuttering ogre he is running against, President Biden found a new friend. Calling up Fetterman right after the debate, Biden said: “Don’t, uhhh, well, you know, like uhhh, just don’t uhhhhh, ermmm, well, you know, the thing! That’s it, worry! Don’t you need to worry bit,…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Tired of having to work with his handlers to say anything (they want to check his statements to make sure he doesn’t make some racist comment that leads to the left ditching him), President Slow Joe Brandon has decided to start a “cover” journalism outreach program arranged through Hunter’s contacts in the mainstream media world. That program is derisively called “scoops for scoops” by the select pool of journalists involved, according to an insider who has direct experience with it. According to that insider, those…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things went less than well for President Slow Joe Biden when he bizarrely decided to splurge on a new presidential limo, but instead of going with a tried and true gas guzzler went with the new, EV version of the famous “Beast” presidential transport. Rumor has it he bought that because a GM executive had bailed out Hunter when he was arrested buying crack in Detroit, and GM made a much larger profit on the EV “Beast” because of tax credits for EV production. But while…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Biden messed up when giving a speech yet again over the weekend, losing his cool after being told that the price of ice cream was up 50% over year over year. Furious, Biden stomped off to the White House nuclear bunker to “watch his programs” in peace and quiet while scrolling through Twitter. Having been completely out of it for the past year and a half, Biden has no idea what the current terms in vogue are, so when he saw all the vitriol directed…