NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Joe Biden was furious to discover after his FBI raided Trump’s Mar-a-Lago home that being in a “banana republic” and insisting on “banana republic” policies doesn’t mean that Dr. Jill will let him have an extra banana with his breakfast oatmeal. Commenting on that in a rambling speech in which he was supposed to be defending the FBI’s raid, a raid that many saw as an egregious abuse of power and persecution of a political enemy, Biden said: “Look, Jack, I hate tyranny as…
Author: will
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things aren’t going too great for President Slow Joe Biden. Not only is he staring a recession in the face as he desperately attempts to claim that it’s not a recession despite the economy contracting for two months because…he doesn’t want to label what’s currently happening a “recession,” but he’s also now had Covid twice in as many weeks. Turns out, however, that it wasn’t by accident that the Resident-in-Chief got Covid. Rather, Kamala intentionally gave it to him, as she freely admitted during an…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. It’s new Nike sneakers season again, and so malls around the nation are bracing for riots and preparing to deal with the utter hell that is watching people fight and riot over the newest, overpriced sneakers designed by Nike and produced in some hellish sweatshop in Vietnam. A mall manager named Mr. Thomas Wilkins who lives and works in Memphis, Tennessee, for example, said “We got the shotguns loaded, the AR-15s greased and ready in the back, and tazers handed out to everyone in the…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Nancy Pelosi is flying back to Taiwan, turning her jet around and preparing to once again land on the embattled island in an ostensible effort to “signal American support” for…something, as neither she nor Brandon and his team will back Taiwanese independence. However, it turns out that signaling “American support” for some vague idea regarding Taiwan isn’t the real goal of her trip. Rather, it’s to tank the market enough that she and her husband get a massive payday from short trades he put in…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Things got worse than ever for Biden yesterday, as he died. Not in the polls, not in the court of public opinion, but rather in reality. Apparently, what happened was that he was trying to retreat to the basement for like the 14th day in a row, hiding out from the public while letting the marginally more competent (compared to his senile self) aides in the White House manage his affairs. “It worked for the campaign, why not now?” he said while hustling down the…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Well, Pelosi’s plane touched down in Taiwan, the Republic of China, and a volley of Chinese ballistic missiles followed, cratering the runway but not knocking the wicked witch of the West off of her broomstick. Such was how hostilities with China began, with the Taiwanese Air Force shooting down a dozen or so Chinese jets in the Taiwan Straight as both sides fired off dozens of supersonic cruise missiles at each other’s warships. Hostilities then paused for a moment as both sides paused, caught their…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. With CNN announcing that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi intends on traveling to Taiwan this week (probably Thursday) during her trip to Asia, the specter of nuclear war has again been raised, although this time with Red China rather than Putin’s Russia. That’s because the Red Chinese have claimed that if Pelosi does choose to visit Taiwan, or the Republic of China as it used to be known, then they “won’t hesitate” to retaliate and hit back with military force. Bluster? Perhaps, but it…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Woke Starbucks, in an effort to combat accusations of “racism” after it kicked someone who wasn’t a paying customer out of its bathroom, created a free coffee program called “free coffee for convicts”. Basically, the program consisted of handing out a free cup of coffee to anyone who could prove they had been to prison. Law-abiding Americans would not get free coffee. Figuring that a large majority of the people who showed up would be black, an assumption some critics said was itself racist, the…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The NCAA “Woman of the Year” competition goes through multiple rounds, making it difficult for a very controversial candidate like Lia Thomas to win. So, as could have been expected from the start, though Thomas was entered into round one of the competition, he didn’t make it a step past there, with reality intervening and stopping him at the second round. Thomas, however, was not to be deterred by one little loss. Speaking on the matter to an NCAA official during an interview regarding the…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Cackling Kamala Harris is Team Biden’s border czar. As could be expected of someone of her…utter vapidity and incompetence, she’s done a terrible job in that capacity and has probably done worse than even detractors of the Biden regime could have imagined. But now, with the illegal immigration crisis coming back to the forefront of the culture war fight for whatever reason and the recent outrage regarding her sharing of her pronouns during a meeting, Kamala has woken up and decided to take action. Unfortunately,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. “Mayor Pete”, Biden’s gay Secretary of Transportation, is once again Missing in Action at a time when supply chain snarls and budding transportation issues are leading to more and more inflation and keeping the nation on edge. This time, however, he’s not “chestfeeding” while on paternity leave with his husband and “their” two kids. Rather, he’s stuck in the sick bay with a nasty case of monkeypox that he apparently got while “investigating the impact of supply chain issues on America’s Turkish bathhouses.” His husband,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. A court recently found former Trump advisor and Breitbart head Steve Bannon guilty of “contempt of Congress”, ruling that because he had “sided with the bad orange man that did bad orange things in a bad orange way that was very, very mean to nice people like Hillary Clinton”, he needed to be locked up for “a thousand thousand years” and the key thrown into “the deepest hole on Earth with him.” Unsurprisingly, the same hack judge that ruled on Bannon’s “guilt” was the same…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Democrats are attempting to respond to the plague of violence that America has faced following the death of George Floyd and the soft on crime policies that many far-left Democrats running blue states and cities adopted following his high-profile death and the resulting disorder. However, many of them seem confused about what is leading to the increase in crime, as they continually place the blame on inanimate objects, blaming knives, guns, and the like whenever crimes occur. Democrat Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, for…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Bill Gates and Klaus Schwab have been meeting for years, discussing plans to start replacing traditional foodstuffs with cricket-based products. Wheat-based flour? They want to replace it with cricket flour. Like eating eggs? They want to replace it with a bug-based “egg-like product”. Want to sip a nice glass of bourbon? Hope you like fermented cockroach wine, as that’s what they’re planning on selling you. But among all the possible bug-based alternatives, the “Holy Grail”, so to speak, is a bug-based beef replacement. Scared that…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Elisjsha Dicken is a 22-year-old man from Seymour, Indiana that happened to be at the Greenwood, Indiana mall where a shooter broke out an AR-15 and started shooting into the crowd in an attempt to wreak havoc and murder his fellows. What was a horrific event could have been even worse has Elisjsha not been there, as mere seconds after the shooter opened up on the crowd Elisjsha pulled out the handgun he was carrying and fired off ten rounds at the shooter, managing to…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. It was yet another day of disaster for President Slow Joe Biden, this time with him attempting to give a speech but ending on a highly embarrassing note, reading off the teleprompter in an endless string of gaffes as his staffers tried to get him to stop reading, forcing “Dr.” Jill to pry him away from the podium and off the stage to the jeers of many members of the media. What happened was that Biden was giving a speech on the oil situation and,…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. In a highly embarrassing, but some say necessary, move following his return from a disastrous trip to Saudi Arabia, President Biden auctioned off the gas can he used to beg the Saudis for oil off to American consumers, many of whom are unable to find gas thanks to his anti-energy policies. The 5-gallon jerry can sold for a whopping $43 dollars, money which Biden proudly proclaimed would be used to provide a free puberty blocker treatment to an “at risk, impoverished transgender youth.” Commenting on…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. According to an anonymous source within the Biden White House, a new controversy is splitting the administration down the middle, and it’s not one of policy or politics. Rather, it’s one of what bed linen is used for not only the president’s bed, but all the other bed in the White House as well. Apparently, the White House staff, not understanding the political issues at stake, decided to start using MyPillow Giza Cotton Dream Sheets for all the beds in the Executive Mansion, recognizing how…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Trying to one-up the recent nomination of Lia Thomas as NCAA Woman of the Year by the University of Pennsylvania, the NCAA decided to nominate a dolphin named Roger as “Swimmer of the Year”, a first-of-its-kind category that would be given to the “best swimmer of any type” over the past year. Why is the NCAA wading into a general swimming competition, much less one so broad that dolphins are included and weighed against WOMEN like Lia Thomas, whose Adam’s apple and visible-though-her-bathing suit male…
NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Pope Francis, as many of you might have seen on Twitter recently, decided to show his “true colors” (well, really true color: red) and change his papal name from “Francis” to “Marx”. Describing the move in a papal bull written in German, Pope Marx said: “Through all my years in South America, preaching to the poor and helping them by allying with socialist groups, I realized that what is true is that socialism is the one true path. Yes, many communists and socialists are atheists,…