Author: will

NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Rather than secure the border and keep massive hordes of migrants from flowing across it and into America without so much as even an attempt at corralling them, much less stopping them, Biden has decided to take the opposite tack and do all but actively help them make it across the border. He’s cut deportations, punished agents that did their jobs and tried to stop the migrants, broke Trump’s agreement with Mexico to keep migrants from crossing through it, and otherwise done whatever is in…

NOTE: the following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Firing off a brilliant retort after being attacked by Team Biden constantly for having (somehow) raised prices in the US, with President Joe Biden being particularly fond of using the “Putin price hike” line, Russian Federation President Vladimir Putin demanded that Twitter and Facebook censor Biden for “spreading misinformation about the nature of the inflation problem in the West.” Speaking on that in a speech widely cheered by the right in Western Europe, America, South America, and Russia itself, President Putin said: “Listen, this nonsense…

NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. A recent trend taking the Internet by storm is the “#Gentleminions” trend, which encourages young men to show up to movie theaters dressed in suits to watch the newly released Minions: The Rise of Gru movie. As the New York Post reported: The self-proclaimed “Gentleminions” wear formal suits and go to the movie screening in large groups and cheer loudly as it begins to play. The actions of these teens are purposefully taken from the movie’s super-villain Gru, including the suit and copying his hand…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Scholars at the University of Pennsylvania’s Center for the Study of the Founding, the most prestigious (though also leftist-dominated) program in the nation for American Revolution and American War for Independence scholars, claim to have made a groundbreaking discovery when re-examining old manuscripts of Jefferson’s. In addition to claiming that they found Jefferson firmly voicing his disapproval of “orange-faced demagogues that do mean things to very respectable and well-trained journalists that happen to look like potatoes”, the collection of leftist scholars claims to have found…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The Supreme Court recently blasted the current abortion regime to bits, with Justice Alito saying, in the opinion he wrote for the majority: We hold that Roe and Casey must be overruled. The Constitution makes no reference to abortion, and no such right is implicitly protected by any constitutional provision, including the one on which the defenders of Roe and Casey now chiefly rely—the Due Process Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment. That provision has been held to guarantee some rights that are not mentioned in…

NOTE: The following article is satirical, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Following up on the “success” of the January 6th Committee in making Trump look bad to a motley collection of wine moms in the suburbs that only get their news from CNN clips playing while they’re at the gym, leftists that already hated Trump, and ignoramuses that take the statements of Deep State apparatchiks at face value, Nancy Pelosi and her fellow Democrats decided to attack the nation’s founding in much the same way. They did so by creating and then promoting, on Twitter, of…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Desperate to rework Fourth of July celebrations to make them “anti-racist” and “accessible to all Americans”, the Democrats have decided to entirely rework the DC celebrations and make them more in line with current leftist orthodoxy. Namely, that meant removing fireworks, which Democrats bizarrely claimed had a “racist history”, with the only evidence of that being that some slave owners were fond of fireworks, and replacing the military parade with something that even AOC wouldn’t call “fascist”. So, they started with the parade, deciding to…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Reacting to the recent Dobbs decision and the changes to the current abortion regime wrought by it, the nation’s babies decided to celebrate Independence Day early and cheer the fact that they had not been killed in the womb and that others in their generation no longer could be. One baby, excited about the news and grateful that Clarence Thomas and Co. had seen fit to save him from the abortionist’s scissors, celebrated the day with an extra bottle of formula and staying up an…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Many expected that soon to be Supreme Court Justice Katanji Jackson, President Biden’s soft on porn pick to replace Justice Stephen Breyer when he retires in the coming weeks, would be disappointed that she didn’t have the opportunity to rule on Dobbs, the case that overturned the abortion regime, and thus kick of her SCOTUS career with a defense of abortion that would make all the leftists that host DC cocktail parties swoon. Truth be told, however, she couldn’t be happier that it was decided…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Though most people are furious about the sky-high gas prices and angry at Biden for letting prices get so high under his watch, with his presidency already seeming like it has gone on for far longer than a year and a half, there’s one demographic that, for this weekend, is not only okay with the high gas prices, but anxiously eyeing the tickers and hoping they go higher. That demographic is parents with kids under ten, all of whom are worried they might have to…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Following the release of Senator Cornyn’s (R-TX) gun control bill, the GOP has seen a massive reversal in its 2022 fortunes, with voters formerly excited to vote for the GOP and turn the tide against the left losing faith and turning against the party that stabbed them in the back on one of the few issues that they really care about. Confused, RINOs reacted and wondered why the voters had suddenly lost interest in the party, with Senator Mitt Romney leading the charge and reacting…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Doubling down on the “insert gay stuff into every single possible piece of content” strategy following the dismal release of Lightyear, the complete collapse of the Star Wars franchise, and halving of their stock price in the past year, Disney decided to release a new, even gayer Pixar movie called “Gaystronaut” that follows the travels of a much-misunderstood homosexual astronaut through space in a rainbow-colored spaceship. Beyond the general premise, what most angered the general public was that what was ostensibly a kid’s movie contained…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. In a desperate attempt to bring black Americans back to the Democratic Party and voting for its less-than-ideal candidates come November, Team Biden decided to announce that it planned on adding George Floyd to Mt. Rushmore, calling him the “founder of the anti-racist United States of America”. As the idea came after Juneteenth, which studies determined was celebrated by approximately seven people not affiliated with the DNC or woke corporations/non-profits, it planned on announcing the idea on July Fourth in order to show that it…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Taking a major, much-derided step to try and keep Americans in high spirits on July 4th despite the inflation crisis, gas price crisis, and culture war getting seemingly hotter every day, Team Biden has decided to release a report about how Americans can still have a fun July 4th despite the additional costs imposed by the inflation crisis. In the report, after five paragraphs spent discussing the racism of the Founding Fathers and why they know that not everyone will be “comfortable celebrating the somewhat…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Confused as to how his plan didn’t work, California Governor Gavin Newsom recently decided to import Zimbabwe’s existing stock of trillion-dollar bills to use as currency in the California Republic in a long-expected reaction to the inflationary spiral that followed his decision to send out checks to Californians to help cover the cost of inflation. Speaking on the issue in a conference hall that was one of the few left in California where the electricity doesn’t cut out every time a cloud floats over the…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Desperate to stop the Chicago crime problem from getting worse now that Citadel, an investment group, has ditched the city for Florida, Lori Lightfoot has resorted to what many describe as a “last-ditch strategy”: putting up billboards proclaiming “diversity is our strength” in areas most hard hit by the new wave of lawlessness and violence. Discussing the initiative near one of the billboards installed near a recently looted and burned Gucci store in the once-beautiful and ritzy Magnificent Mile, an area that used to be…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. The US Marines have been deployed en masse to American and allied bases around the Pacific, particularly the so-called “first island chain” around the South China Sea in Team Biden’s attempt to deter Red China by showing a massive, overwhelming display of force. Unfortunately for Biden and the Marines, however, the Chinese have not been deterred and have instead continued acting up and sailing their massive merchant national guard fleet of lightly armed fishing vessels into disputed territories, using the Chinese Coast Guard to harass…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. President Joe Biden found himself in yet another confusing circumstance on Tuesday night when, trying to post a video in support of transgender Admiral Rachel (formerly Richard) Levine, he accidentally “deadnamed” Rachel, saying “Richard” instead. In Biden’s words: “Hey, Jack, this is a diverse administration, I’ll tell you what. Heck, we got that gay black woman talking for me now (Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre), we got my dear friend Kamala as VP and she’s exotic looking…her dad must have been a GI or something…then there’s…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. In a shocking twist of events, Justice Clarence Thomas has been found dead by police, who unsurprisingly have given few details on what is going on, when the death occurred, and what evidence they’ve so far been able to collect or progress they’ve been able to make. However, one thing that has leaked out both from the local police department and the FBI team responsible for investigating is that Hillary is suspected, as she recently sounded off on Justice Thomas and implied that his decisions…

NOTE: The following article is satire, not a statement of fact. Treat it as such. Following the Supreme Court’s decision in Dobbs to get rid of the treatment of abortion as a fundamental right and to instead return the issue to the states, letting them protect it if they want or get rid of it if they want, Democrats went absolutely wild, crazily proclaiming that they had to “rise up” to fight for abortion. Apparently the right to kill babies is, to them, a right worth dying for. And so they started taking to the streets, flinging Molotov cocktails and fireworks at…